Brando... Wow.

my little blades, i am watching this movie tomorrow, to remember, to watch, to breathe in why i became an actress in the first place. the blood, the passion, the craving, the hunger of the craft. of being more alive in one moment than most people experience in a lifetime.

of wanting something, being someone, filling out another person's soul with yours, transcending space and time, your body shaking because you have left it almost -- like you have become another, and as i've been missing NYC... i send a shout out to my followers on the east coast, to the friends who are reading and sitting in brooklyn, manhattan, even nj...

to those of you who are studying, reading, watching theatre, learning your lines, joining a great class, who are pouring over the books of the greats, who are inspired to stay up late and wake early because you have fallen utterly and eternally in love with this craft, your destiny has been laid out before you and now you are devouring the day just to get there, to make space disappear, to end time limits and to soak into the bright lights on the stage, to experience your first close up on camera, to feel a connection with your co-star that goes beyond words, to fill into your costume and be born anew...

tonight i had a yummy lebanese dinner with my friend kamran and his updates were so glorious and his appreciation of me so heartbreaking that i am remembering things, my little blades, remembering the student in me, the hungry, driven girl whose food was her class, whose classmates her companions on the most thrilling ride of life -- becoming what you were always meant to be.

so... tonight, my little blades, i celebrate marlon brando. whose passion was seamless, whose beauty and natural talent were unmistakable and whose New York training, whose truth as an actor elevated the craft.

he once said, and i've actually quotes this before on my blog, so forgive me:

An actor is at most a poet and at least an entertainer.
Marlon Brando 

here's to the poet in all of us -- in the stay at home mom, in the fashion designer, in the writer, in the voice over editor, in the philosopher, in the kabbalist, the christian, the jew, the hindi, the atheist, in the straight and the gay, in the friend and the stranger, in our dog and our cat, in our moms and our fathers, in our old friends and our new, let us be the poets we were always meant to be.

and live.

out loud.

sounding our barbaric yawps.

moonwalking across the stage of our lives.

becoming what we dreamt of being when we were so young.

let us pull on our boots and march through the trenches of our souls to arrive at the heaven of our dreams.

i send you all Love... Always...

Happy Birthday, MJ!!!

She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene,
I said, 'Don't mind, but what do you mean I am the one,
Who will dance on the floor in the round?'

My blog tonight, my little blades, is dedicated to the human being who has inspired me more than all others... I have always adored Michael Jackson, ever since I was little. And he still continues to inspire me today. He is the reason I put post-its around my house reminding me of my dream, of my worth, he reminds me to work hard, really hard, to be proud, to strive and to always always always share my gift with the world.

He had a killer work ethic, a massively natural gift, and a love of humanity & the earth, which I share. And I continue to work on my work ethic -- to balance it with my life, to balance my life too. Michael taught me this too. By the things he longed to do and maybe did, but maybe didn't do... But it is because of his natural gift combined with his work ethic that he shined as brightly as he did for sooo long. He is a one of a kind and I will always treasure his heartbreakingly natural gift along with his beautiful humanity.

I am honored to have written and directed a play about you starring Edi Gathegi and Jade Lane called, Billie Jean at the Graveyard. Because every day, I watched your videos and listened to your music and often I'd even cry at your gift. At your soul, which slid across the floor just as your shiny shoes did, for all the world to see. To sneak a peak at this magician, at this glittering being who woke up the darkest of nights and got the last man sitting to get up and dance. No one was untouched by you, Michael. I remember writing to you in my journal when I was in 6th grade, and I wrote, 


Everyone loved you last year. But I still love you. I always will. No one understands you, but I do.


This was and still is inside of my white journals with the little teddy bears emblazoned all over it. Now, I kept my word, my little blades, I do still love Michael. Admittedly, there was a time when I did not -- or at least I didn't think I did, or at least I judged him like the others did, imagined I knew what was going on -- made fun of his appearance and jumped to conclusions as well. But what I have learned about time, is we return to our original, our true loves, we come back, just as we come back home, either literally or spiritually, we return to the people and things we have ever truly loved. And I came back to Michael because the truth is, I loved him first. He was my first pop star crush. I have a photo of my very dignified Dutch grandmother sitting on my bed in the 80's looking so peaceful and sweet and behind her, blaring just above her head is Michael in his yellow vest and white pants for Human Nature. 


Perfection. Perfect mingling of my two worlds. The Dutch and the pop. The sophisticated and the young. The hip and the intelligent. The dreamer and the reality. The family and the fame. 


I send you a birthday wish tonight. That you may be smiling and moon walking for all of the angles in heaven, that they may all be on their tippie toes alongside you as you slide across the clouds and make God smile. Inspire the applause of the heavens. Light up the universe. Inspire stars to fall down to earth just to know what it was like to walk where you walked. Because I know down here on earth, we are still singing and dancing in your footsteps. We are still loving you. And I for one often times still feel like that 6th grader who had a crush on a young man with a great big dream and an even greater gift. Who loved more than most can see. Who had the whole world in his hands. If not in the tips of his toes...

May I walk in your beautiful footsteps and dance to my own rhythm, sing my own song as you so bravely sang yours. May I "sound my barbaric yawp" as you sounded yours. And may I light up the world as you so devastatingly lit up the souls of millions across the universe.

And may all of my little blades also break into song and dance and sound your sounds so that the world may be a more beautiful, more humane, more loving place because you all existed...

Love... Always...

Hitchcocks excites...

Rear Window (1954) Grace Kelly & Jimmy Stewart
Uploaded by jack_helltoy. - Check out other Film & TV videos.






My little blades, I am posting this as my friend
Caroline and I watched a Hitchcock watched a Hitchcock
named Shadow of a Doubt last night and I found myself
so inspired by the simplicity and beauty of his writing
and how clean his directing is.


What a master he was.


And I am thrilled to be making my own movie soon! And
to work with the greatest directors of our time. And
to carry along this tradition of extraordinary film-
making.


Whom do you want to work with? What filmmakers or human
beings inspire you?


Just some glittering thoughts for a crisp & sunny
Saturday...


Love to you all... Always!

Barnard Grad Dreams Big.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."
- Margaret Mead 

welp, my little blades... i attended a columbia university alumni event tonight downtown and some of the conversations stirred me.

it was refreshing to be around this diverse group of people with intelligent stories and ideas... Under the stars, sipping on wine and munching on pizza...

today was a day of a lot of magic for me, my little blades. i was feeling :( and my friend amy called and was soooo loving and thoughtful and told me that she is here for me when i am down or when i am tired or fighting and when i put down the sword, she is here to lift me up. she moved me to tears. because it was so unexpected.

i thought she was going to mention her company and excitement about my possibly being a part of it, but she was thinking of me and my dreams and how long she's believed in them, in me, and how she's spoken to her best friend and her husband about it, and how she believes in me and is here for me. and not to give up. ever. how cloooooossssseeee i am. and she said she could've cried talking to me. and then i started to and she did a little too.

and before that my friend johnny called and told me he'd love for me to take a special workshop with an amazing acting group he's assembling and he'd be honored for me to belong. and he called me one of the best actors he's ever known.

and then, in the afternoon, i got a package. from wme. and i could not even imagine what it was. and as i tore it open, i realized it was episode 10 of true blood on DVD that my agent's assistant had delivered for me. and when he's called earlier to confirm my address, he'd said it was for his files and i hadn't a clue.

and a friend dropped by in the middle of the day to tell me something important -- that she'd been hurt by somethings and she needed to tell me.

and all of these things, they MADE my day. i grew today, my little blades.

i needed a push, to be loved, i needed to put down my sword just as amy had picked hers up. it was as if i unknowingly passed it onto her and she loved me. and we cried. and it was beautiful.

and i'd been craaaaaving theatre and community again, i'd been missing little bird and johnny called.

and i'd been missing true blood and loving WME and they reminded me of why. what a simple gift that meant so much.

and i wanted today to work on: balance and boundaries and keeping my word. and today my friend dropped by to talk about those exact things.

and then, i topped it all off with a lovely columbia event -- the first i've been to.

ahhhh, life.

did i mention that gatsby pooped on my rug?

well, you can't have everything.

hehe.

and my 5 things?

today, i took a break. tomorrow i resume -- tomorrow? fifteen things!

1. email agent referral

2. email another agent referral.

3. call agent referral.

4. email nyc lit agent and see about meeting up when i am in nyc.

5. call alec's asst about my nyc trip to confirm the days to go to set.

6. find barnard alumna in children's publishing for SNIFF.

7. DM ami directeur.

8. research & email producer from yesterday.

9. email manager assistant my pic/res and link to SNL Test.

10. Get to Morgan or a CSA demain -- follow up on mailing to CSA Columbia. 

11. WME audition.

12. call 3 clients for copy of my VO spots for my reel.

13. edit my movie -- get out script and edit 5 pgs.

14. prep short film talk for sunday.

15. wild card!

good day!!!

what are your plans, my little blades?

Love to all my little blades, near and far, always!!!

a whole new world...

"I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far,

               I can't go back to where I used to be..."
- Jasmine 

My little blades... this is how i am feeling... it's 
new and it's juuuust starting, it's preceding the 
reality -- but it's there... i am feeling like jasmine,
i am getting on the carpet, things are changing...

and oh, the view.... :)

How are your views, my little blades?

I am sending Love to you all... Always!

Tonight's Prayer.

"Dear God, help me to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

- anonymous prayer.

today was amaaaazing, my little blades. i swam and walked Gats for 3 miles and auditioned and made a lovely dinner with a friend, and worked at the computer and wrote my sister the letter and made important phone calls... Today was balanced and happy!

I also played with Gats in the courtyard like 3 times -- catch and tag and tug of war. Wonderful times.

Today, my little blades, today I was the person Gatsby thinks I am.

Ahhhh, life.... :)

Love to each and every one of you, near and far, Always!

"Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential."
- Bruce Lee 

Today my little blades was a day of great expansion. I made a whole list of whom to contact. And I contacted all of them. Except for my sister. And -- tomorrow, I shall contact her -- write her a letter to show her how much I love her.

But today, today was a day of movement. I crossed off items on my list with vigor. I called people and emailed and got things done.

Today was communication. And tomorrow is communication and the loving of my house, my home, the cleansing of my home in preparation for new things.

I shall call US Airways. Write my sister and mail the lettre. Follow up on agent referrals. Go to Kinko's to photocopy. And mail thank you letter to manager with story photocopied. I shall play with Gatsby. And I shall print up my movie. Go over it. Edit it. Start to figure it out. Spend one hour. Time myself. Release the fear, embrace the stretching of me -- I did it with plays and kid's books and my memoir and thus, I can do it with my movie. My own movie!!! This has been a dream of mine for years -- my "star vehicle," as Natalie called it.

Thrilled.

Proud of me today, my little blades. I did what I set out to do. 

And I met with a lovely producer tonight.

Ahhhh.... I am now heading to sleepytime tea...

What have you accomplished today? What are your goals for tomorrow? Make a list of 3 big things and not just "call manager." I mean also like -- Communicate, reach out, express your dreams.

Breathe before being reactive.

Mine for tomorrow is follow up on today's list with communicating. And cleansing my house. And -- focus. When I audition and before, focus. I LOVE meditating and visualizing. I shall do this again tomorrow.

I hope this finds you all smiling...

And grab your dreams tomorrow and run them towards the sun... They shall light up the darkest skies. And you shall all become stars.

I send you all Love... Always!