"If you want to find God, hang out in the space between your thoughts."
- Alan Cohen.
My little blades, I apologize first of all. I said I was going to blog a few days ago and I literally starting falling asleep with the laptop perched somewhat awkwardly -- almost perilously -- in my lap in bed. And then, I just got an email from Allie, one of my lovely followers, and I was reminded of my promise.
So, thank you Allie. For keeping me honest. And thank you, Dasha, for pushing me to keep my promise as well.
And so, my little blades... this leads me back to all of you. When I began blogging this year, I had some goals in mind. And as you may remember, I was very specific about them. I was sounding my "barbaric yawp!" so to speak. About what I wanted, what I was manifesting, what I felt I deserved, what I wanted to share with all of you.
And though the year is not over yet, we are indeed winding down... And happily so.
See, I remember the searching for what I wanted. Looking for God in things big and small. And here is the musical version of what I was seeking... And though it seemed -- even to me -- like what I've been seeking was on the outside -- move star, best-selling author, and millionaire. And quite honestly, I am not at all saying that I no longer aspire to be or see myself as those things. Because I do. But what I have been getting -- more than anything -- is closer to God, to the God in me, to me, I guess you can say. And so... here is the song that sings from my heart what this year has felt like for me...
And then, there is this: December 9th at 11:20pm and here I am at home, with Gatsby. I have a friend living with me. She brings a joy to my home that I didn't even know so acutely I'd be longing for. And I have -- gosh, it's funny because when I've been meeting with my teacher, Shalom, the past few months, he's been telling me how happy he is for me.
I am so happy for you, Kieren. You are changing so much.
And me looking at him quizzically. Almost like -- Dude. If I were changing so much, then where's my house? My boyfriend? My movie? My books?
I felt like, I honestly felt like, if I were changing, Shalom, you'd see it. Not just feel it, sense it. There'd be proof. And the kind of proof that I consider proof.
But then, the funny thing is, proof did start to come... It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags.
Hehe. I had to go a little Grinch on your arses! Seeing as it is Christmas :)
But seriously though, it did start -- and is starting to come.
And thus, my quote -- I have been meditating almost every morning. Faithfully. For five minutes to fifteen. And boy, has it made a difference. It is the stillness in the beginning of my day that starts me off centered and calm. I then will drink maybe a green tea and eat a small breakfast.
And I used to begin -- how funny that "begin" and being" and almost the same word -- my day with a big sugary chai tea from my beloved coffee bean. But the thing is, I remember what my old acting teacher Marjorie used to say to me years ago, "All that sugar is affecting you, Kieren. Cut back on it." And I was mildly horrified at the idea of no chai -- my one treat/weakness/sin/no big deal it's a frickin' tea :)
But, when I looked at it -- I was beginning my day foggy. And when I started to meditate, I swear to you all, I started to "know" things or "see" things.
I knew that my friend Scott's new job would be in finances. Before he told me. And that my new friend George's first choice college was Yale. I knew that the manager with whom I was meeting would want to work with me. When I was quiet with myself, I got -- It's gonna be easy. She's gonna want to work with me. And she does.
1. I pictured booking a series of Voice-Overs. Visualized and felt the phone call from WME. And it came today!
2. I've been picturing a phone call or an email from someone reaching out to me to give me a break and someone did!!! I will share the news on Monday!!!
3. I have been craaaaving getting back on Broadway and then, I get introduced to a film agent at WME -- where I want to be again! Where I started -- and he wants to introduce me to one of the best Broadway agents in NYC -- at WME!
...I can even see the on-camera commercial I am going to book -- I see it when I am meditating. I picture it. Me and the guy. And our laughing...
But also, what is really making my life better and easier -- is that I am trusting myself more. I am seeing things, and feeling things, and knowing things. And then, I am quiet with them. And then, I trust them. Me. My gut.
It, life, is sooo much easier when we trust our guts. When we manifest our own destinies. When we know what we want and we see it, work towards it. My friend Tobey says most people don't succeed because they don't put one foot in front of the other.
So, yes. I am meditating. But, then, I act on what I see. I make the phone call to meet with my commercial agent to share my vision with her. And she introduces me to the manager.
I email me VO agent and tell him my vision/goal of booking a spot before the holiday.
I am bringing all of these people, my champions, in on my dream. Along with me. They are then a part of my vision and making it happen. And life is SO much more powerful, our dream SO much more obtainable -- they are always obtainable -- but they will happen faster and in a richer way when we involve our team. friends. family. agents. manager. lawyer. whomever our people are, or may be.
Honestly, I thought of Akeelah and the Bee the other day when I thought about my new company, The Little Beast. And the movie we are making. And I thought of how the little girl in the movie involves pretty much everyone she comes across in her life in her dream of winning the spelling bee.
The mailman and her mom, her brother and her brother's friends. Her tutor. Her teacher. Her girlfriends. Everyone. And guess what? She wins! It is the power of many. We can manifest our dreams more quickly and richly and fully by including other people along the way, empowering them as they empower us.
When I attended the Women's Conference a few months back and Oprah spoke, she said, If you want your dreams to come true, make them about something larger than yourself, something that benefits other people.
And I believe that is why Little Bird was a success. We sold our friend's paintings and photographs, we showcased our friend's writing and acting and directing and music, we produced all of it. And we all benefited.
And now... I feel the power of ALL again.
Since I began blogging, I:
1. Signed with WME for Voice Overs and have booked more in 4 months than I did all last year.
2. Signed with Arete for On Camera Commercials. And I have been On Avail 3 times and have a better relationship with my agent than I have had since NYC.
3. Have a manager who is passionate about me -- for exactly who I am.
4. I am making my movie -- every day, I move closer.
5. Lost my children's book deal :( (due to financial problems with the distributor). But am reaching out to contact Barnard Grads and whomever I am referred to who can help in getting them published.
6. Not a millionaire yet, but on my way! Every day, I am growing wealthier.
And most importantly, and Shalom pointed this out, it started inside of me and began to move out.
I started with meditation. I started in the quiet. I focused on what I wanted. I saw it and felt it and it became mine.
Even with dating. I am dating again! And I can see my husband. I feel him, I sit on his lap, I laugh with him, I already know his hair... :)
And I wanted to be with WME again. Always. It was my first agency, my first love. (WMA was:)
And I wanted to book commercials again -- great exposure and money and fun!
And I want to be a movie star! To light up the screen and to inspire, to make people laugh, to move them. And this is happening too... !!!
I am not giving up, my phoenixes, not on my beloved books either.
My Grandfather, my Dutch Grandfather, during World War II when he was separated in the camps from my Grandmother and my uncle and Daddy, he found comfort in a book written by a well-renowned British minister called, The Significance of Silence. And now I get it.
Silence brings us closer to us.
Listen, my little blades. You will hear the truth.
It's like what Glynda the good witch says to Dorothy, "You had it in you all along. It was always there."
So, have the courage to be quiet. And to listen. And then -- go out there into this big and wilding world... And give 'em hell.
I love you all... Always.