"Big dreams create the magic that stir men's souls to greatness." Bill McCartney
Hello my beloved blades. I am writing after having taken a reprieve for a few days... Ahhh... Feeling like a refreshed human being.
A pool party on sunday, a little zz top at the del mar fairgrounds on saturday night, and small dinner with a friend friday night & preparation for a meeting with a producing partner saturday morning...
a doughnut, a veggie burger, a hot car ride down to del mar and a blech grilled cheese at the concert -- lots of men with long braids and even more beer in their hands...
i have been meditating daily my little blades. being more quiet. focusing. again. and i am happily listening to myself more than i have. in a while.
i sooo recommend silence when in doubt or question or for a sense of awe or wonder or for the need to reconnect with this wilding world and the sparkling inhabitants of it.
it has indeed been awhile since i have meditated and it feels like a little piece of heaven. like a place to come home to.
i have been feeling sooo much magic around me, surrounding me, the love and generosity of friends, a text asking how i am, an email telling me i am appreciated, a glowing referral to a talent manager, a movie star who wants to see my work, a TV star who welcomes me onto his golden set, a literary editor who wants to read my excerpt... a friend of a friend who calls because she wants to, needs to compel me forward.
these things are magical. they are like a sneeze waiting to happen, like i'm about to fall in love -- or maybe -- maybe, this is falling in love. maybe this is what falling in love with life again feels like. magic. everywhere.
i met with my teacher shalom today and he told me i need to perform for my soul to be alive.
he told me this without my even having told him that i am contemplating new york city. he told me this because he knows me and loves me, appreciates me. he gets me.
sees where i am going, loves me for who i truly am. my soul.
it's like oprah whenever i have a meeting with him, this feeling that i could cry at any moment. and not because i am particularly sad. but because i am so ALIVE. and my heart and my body and my molecules even are - i can feel them. i am moved. and alive. ahhh... f'in perfect. divine.
i've been watching a lot of streetcar lately -- pretty much daily. it's like i can't get enough and that's because brando is so alive. living in the moment, raw and full of love and hatred and honesty. certainty.
it's like the best acting/living class in the whole wide world, watching this movie.
i am devouring it. eating it whole.
i am becoming this movie.
in the sense that i can see myself grow and move and beam along as i watch it. and breathe with it -- with their passion -- when american acting was just breaking forth on screen, when dean and brando -- the greats were so honest and raw. sooo beautiful. and part of their beauty was their charisma. how they truly lived on the screen.
and with the meditating and the swimming and the hiking /walking, i am trusting myself more, like a child's trust. i am loving myself, like i did when i first started acting after barnard. and i am speaking what i feel inside.
yearning, craaaaaving to work, to perform. and from this place, from my soul speaking to me and demanding that i break out.
do it, blades, break out, demand more, live, breathe, meditate all with gratitude -- we are young and alive and here to do something.