Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Brando... Wow.

my little blades, i am watching this movie tomorrow, to remember, to watch, to breathe in why i became an actress in the first place. the blood, the passion, the craving, the hunger of the craft. of being more alive in one moment than most people experience in a lifetime.

of wanting something, being someone, filling out another person's soul with yours, transcending space and time, your body shaking because you have left it almost -- like you have become another, and as i've been missing NYC... i send a shout out to my followers on the east coast, to the friends who are reading and sitting in brooklyn, manhattan, even nj...

to those of you who are studying, reading, watching theatre, learning your lines, joining a great class, who are pouring over the books of the greats, who are inspired to stay up late and wake early because you have fallen utterly and eternally in love with this craft, your destiny has been laid out before you and now you are devouring the day just to get there, to make space disappear, to end time limits and to soak into the bright lights on the stage, to experience your first close up on camera, to feel a connection with your co-star that goes beyond words, to fill into your costume and be born anew...

tonight i had a yummy lebanese dinner with my friend kamran and his updates were so glorious and his appreciation of me so heartbreaking that i am remembering things, my little blades, remembering the student in me, the hungry, driven girl whose food was her class, whose classmates her companions on the most thrilling ride of life -- becoming what you were always meant to be.

so... tonight, my little blades, i celebrate marlon brando. whose passion was seamless, whose beauty and natural talent were unmistakable and whose New York training, whose truth as an actor elevated the craft.

he once said, and i've actually quotes this before on my blog, so forgive me:

An actor is at most a poet and at least an entertainer.
Marlon Brando 

here's to the poet in all of us -- in the stay at home mom, in the fashion designer, in the writer, in the voice over editor, in the philosopher, in the kabbalist, the christian, the jew, the hindi, the atheist, in the straight and the gay, in the friend and the stranger, in our dog and our cat, in our moms and our fathers, in our old friends and our new, let us be the poets we were always meant to be.

and live.

out loud.

sounding our barbaric yawps.

moonwalking across the stage of our lives.

becoming what we dreamt of being when we were so young.

let us pull on our boots and march through the trenches of our souls to arrive at the heaven of our dreams.

i send you all Love... Always...

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Happy Birthday, MJ!!!

She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene,
I said, 'Don't mind, but what do you mean I am the one,
Who will dance on the floor in the round?'

My blog tonight, my little blades, is dedicated to the human being who has inspired me more than all others... I have always adored Michael Jackson, ever since I was little. And he still continues to inspire me today. He is the reason I put post-its around my house reminding me of my dream, of my worth, he reminds me to work hard, really hard, to be proud, to strive and to always always always share my gift with the world.

He had a killer work ethic, a massively natural gift, and a love of humanity & the earth, which I share. And I continue to work on my work ethic -- to balance it with my life, to balance my life too. Michael taught me this too. By the things he longed to do and maybe did, but maybe didn't do... But it is because of his natural gift combined with his work ethic that he shined as brightly as he did for sooo long. He is a one of a kind and I will always treasure his heartbreakingly natural gift along with his beautiful humanity.

I am honored to have written and directed a play about you starring Edi Gathegi and Jade Lane called, Billie Jean at the Graveyard. Because every day, I watched your videos and listened to your music and often I'd even cry at your gift. At your soul, which slid across the floor just as your shiny shoes did, for all the world to see. To sneak a peak at this magician, at this glittering being who woke up the darkest of nights and got the last man sitting to get up and dance. No one was untouched by you, Michael. I remember writing to you in my journal when I was in 6th grade, and I wrote, 

Everyone loved you last year. But I still love you. I always will. No one understands you, but I do.

This was and still is inside of my white journals with the little teddy bears emblazoned all over it. Now, I kept my word, my little blades, I do still love Michael. Admittedly, there was a time when I did not -- or at least I didn't think I did, or at least I judged him like the others did, imagined I knew what was going on -- made fun of his appearance and jumped to conclusions as well. But what I have learned about time, is we return to our original, our true loves, we come back, just as we come back home, either literally or spiritually, we return to the people and things we have ever truly loved. And I came back to Michael because the truth is, I loved him first. He was my first pop star crush. I have a photo of my very dignified Dutch grandmother sitting on my bed in the 80's looking so peaceful and sweet and behind her, blaring just above her head is Michael in his yellow vest and white pants for Human Nature. 

Perfection. Perfect mingling of my two worlds. The Dutch and the pop. The sophisticated and the young. The hip and the intelligent. The dreamer and the reality. The family and the fame. 

I send you a birthday wish tonight. That you may be smiling and moon walking for all of the angles in heaven, that they may all be on their tippie toes alongside you as you slide across the clouds and make God smile. Inspire the applause of the heavens. Light up the universe. Inspire stars to fall down to earth just to know what it was like to walk where you walked. Because I know down here on earth, we are still singing and dancing in your footsteps. We are still loving you. And I for one often times still feel like that 6th grader who had a crush on a young man with a great big dream and an even greater gift. Who loved more than most can see. Who had the whole world in his hands. If not in the tips of his toes...

May I walk in your beautiful footsteps and dance to my own rhythm, sing my own song as you so bravely sang yours. May I "sound my barbaric yawp" as you sounded yours. And may I light up the world as you so devastatingly lit up the souls of millions across the universe.

And may all of my little blades also break into song and dance and sound your sounds so that the world may be a more beautiful, more humane, more loving place because you all existed...

Love... Always...

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Hitchcocks excites...

Rear Window (1954) Grace Kelly & Jimmy Stewart
Uploaded by jack_helltoy. - Check out other Film & TV videos.

My little blades, I am posting this as my friend
Caroline and I watched a Hitchcock watched a Hitchcock
named Shadow of a Doubt last night and I found myself
so inspired by the simplicity and beauty of his writing
and how clean his directing is.

What a master he was.

And I am thrilled to be making my own movie soon! And
to work with the greatest directors of our time. And
to carry along this tradition of extraordinary film-

Whom do you want to work with? What filmmakers or human
beings inspire you?

Just some glittering thoughts for a crisp & sunny

Love to you all... Always!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Barnard Grad Dreams Big.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."
- Margaret Mead 

welp, my little blades... i attended a columbia university alumni event tonight downtown and some of the conversations stirred me.

it was refreshing to be around this diverse group of people with intelligent stories and ideas... Under the stars, sipping on wine and munching on pizza...

today was a day of a lot of magic for me, my little blades. i was feeling :( and my friend amy called and was soooo loving and thoughtful and told me that she is here for me when i am down or when i am tired or fighting and when i put down the sword, she is here to lift me up. she moved me to tears. because it was so unexpected.

i thought she was going to mention her company and excitement about my possibly being a part of it, but she was thinking of me and my dreams and how long she's believed in them, in me, and how she's spoken to her best friend and her husband about it, and how she believes in me and is here for me. and not to give up. ever. how cloooooossssseeee i am. and she said she could've cried talking to me. and then i started to and she did a little too.

and before that my friend johnny called and told me he'd love for me to take a special workshop with an amazing acting group he's assembling and he'd be honored for me to belong. and he called me one of the best actors he's ever known.

and then, in the afternoon, i got a package. from wme. and i could not even imagine what it was. and as i tore it open, i realized it was episode 10 of true blood on DVD that my agent's assistant had delivered for me. and when he's called earlier to confirm my address, he'd said it was for his files and i hadn't a clue.

and a friend dropped by in the middle of the day to tell me something important -- that she'd been hurt by somethings and she needed to tell me.

and all of these things, they MADE my day. i grew today, my little blades.

i needed a push, to be loved, i needed to put down my sword just as amy had picked hers up. it was as if i unknowingly passed it onto her and she loved me. and we cried. and it was beautiful.

and i'd been craaaaaving theatre and community again, i'd been missing little bird and johnny called.

and i'd been missing true blood and loving WME and they reminded me of why. what a simple gift that meant so much.

and i wanted today to work on: balance and boundaries and keeping my word. and today my friend dropped by to talk about those exact things.

and then, i topped it all off with a lovely columbia event -- the first i've been to.

ahhhh, life.

did i mention that gatsby pooped on my rug?

well, you can't have everything.


and my 5 things?

today, i took a break. tomorrow i resume -- tomorrow? fifteen things!

1. email agent referral
2. email another agent referral.
3. call agent referral.
4. email nyc lit agent and see about meeting up when i am in nyc.
5. call alec's asst about my nyc trip to confirm the days to go to set.
6. find barnard alumna in children's publishing for SNIFF.
7. DM ami directeur.
8. research & email producer from yesterday.
9. email manager assistant my pic/res and link to SNL Test.
10. Get to Morgan or a CSA demain -- follow up on mailing to CSA Columbia. 
11. WME audition.
12. call 3 clients for copy of my VO spots for my reel.
13. edit my movie -- get out script and edit 5 pgs.
14. prep short film talk for sunday.
15. wild card!

good day!!!

what are your plans, my little blades?

Love to all my little blades, near and far, always!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

a whole new world...

"I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far,
I can't go back to where I used to be..."
- Jasmine
My little blades... this is how i am feeling... it's
new and it's juuuust starting, it's preceding the
reality -- but it's there... i am feeling like jasmine,
i am getting on the carpet, things are changing...
and oh, the view.... :)
How are your views, my little blades?
I am sending Love to you all... Always!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Tonight's Prayer.

"Dear God, help me to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
- anonymous prayer.

today was amaaaazing, my little blades. i swam and walked Gats for 3 miles and auditioned and made a lovely dinner with a friend, and worked at the computer and wrote my sister the letter and made important phone calls... Today was balanced and happy!

I also played with Gats in the courtyard like 3 times -- catch and tag and tug of war. Wonderful times.

Today, my little blades, today I was the person Gatsby thinks I am.

Ahhhh, life.... :)

Love to each and every one of you, near and far, Always!

Monday, August 23, 2010

"Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential."
Bruce Lee 

Today my little blades was a day of great expansion. I made a whole list of whom to contact. And I contacted all of them. Except for my sister. And -- tomorrow, I shall contact her -- write her a letter to show her how much I love her.

But today, today was a day of movement. I crossed off items on my list with vigor. I called people and emailed and got things done.

Today was communication. And tomorrow is communication and the loving of my house, my home, the cleansing of my home in preparation for new things.

I shall call US Airways. Write my sister and mail the lettre. Follow up on agent referrals. Go to Kinko's to photocopy. And mail thank you letter to manager with story photocopied. I shall play with Gatsby. And I shall print up my movie. Go over it. Edit it. Start to figure it out. Spend one hour. Time myself. Release the fear, embrace the stretching of me -- I did it with plays and kid's books and my memoir and thus, I can do it with my movie. My own movie!!! This has been a dream of mine for years -- my "star vehicle," as Natalie called it.


Proud of me today, my little blades. I did what I set out to do. 

And I met with a lovely producer tonight.

Ahhhh.... I am now heading to sleepytime tea...

What have you accomplished today? What are your goals for tomorrow? Make a list of 3 big things and not just "call manager." I mean also like -- Communicate, reach out, express your dreams.

Breathe before being reactive.

Mine for tomorrow is follow up on today's list with communicating. And cleansing my house. And -- focus. When I audition and before, focus. I LOVE meditating and visualizing. I shall do this again tomorrow.

I hope this finds you all smiling...

And grab your dreams tomorrow and run them towards the sun... They shall light up the darkest skies. And you shall all become stars.

I send you all Love... Always!  

the beautiful animal odd couple.

a beautiful bedtime story for all of my little blades, near and far...

love... always!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

'Web.Files' Stakes Out 'Tyranny' and its Bond Girl

'Web.Files' Stakes Out 'Tyranny' and its Bond Girl

Einstein's miracle.

"There are two ways to live your life. One as if nothing is a miracle. The other as if everything is a miracle." 
-Albert Einstein

My little birds, short one tonight... as i am a sleeep blogger -- perhaps tomorrow i shall write earlier :)

but alas, i have sooo been feeling lately that miraclea are abounding:

i'll be reading a tweet from my friend lucy and thinking i need to text her as her text pops up.

i'll walk into coffee bean with no money in my purse -- change of purse -- and a friend who never goes there happens to be there and he buys me a tea.

i am referred to an agent and i leave him a voicemail less than an hour before i go to a party where i learn that the friend with whom i begin to engage in the juiciest of conversations with is repped by him.

i wanted to wear dangly bracelets today and i couldn't find mine, so i go to my friend's house as planned and she has three beautiful dangly bracelets waiting for me since my birthday in march.

i just got copy from one of my agents for disney playhouse which i almost booked two years ago -- and i was saying how stoked i was for a promo gig and then it lands in my email for monday morning.

i was missing my girls nights out here as two of my closest girlfriends are gone for the summer and then my friend caroline calls me and tomorrow, we are heading for the beach.

and i know, i just know -- that if this kind of magic, if these miracles, little miracles, are abounding in my life throughout the day, then they are of course happening in my career and in my love life too...

and all i have to do, is be aware, open up to it all, breathe and embrace...

all is happening... miracles are abounding...

and i MUST find work that fulfills my soul. this is my quest for the rest of the year. and i begin tomorrow. which is today. hehe.

and, my little blades, think of all of the miracles abounding in your lives, because the more you embrace them, and appreciate them, the more they come, and the more joyous and plentiful our lives all are...

and on this note, i send you all Love... Always...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

the perfect balance.

"I have a holistic need to work and to have huge ties of love in my life. I can't imagine eschewing one for the other."
- Meryl Streep.

my little blades, i am sleeeepy... and thus, i am keeping this one short. but alas -- i feel exactly as meryl does. this i find to be the perfect balance.

and i am craving it myself -- as i am sure you all are too -- and we all work towards achieving this balance daily.

i booked another VO spot and i record tomorrow. exciting.

and i am auditioning for VO's up a storm -- in fact, WME is so good that i am becoming a booking machine.

i never heard back from the national commercial i was on avail for -- but i am there. it's just a matter of time.

and alas, the manager wrote me a lovely email -- probably one of the loveliest i have ever received in this industry. but alas -- she said she has too many clients who are not working. and so, we will not be working together... happy to have met her though. she's a good one.

so -- onward and upward. 

i have no idea where the future will bring me -- but i have certainty that it will be golden.

and i send you all golden vibes -- i am doing my new vision board this weekend -- and i am excited to out new things down. to dream new dreams...

i hope this finds you all happy and finding balance in your lives.

love... always!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ewan's certainty.

"I never imagined it wouldn't work out for me. I had that absolute certainty in myself that has seen me through."
- Ewan McGregor.

this is exactly how i feel. tonight i send certainty to all of my little blades... that it will all work out for all of you... whatever your dreams may be.

sending you all love... always!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Muhammad's Fight.

"The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses - behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights."
Muhammad Ali 

i feel this way, my little blades... like there is sooo much preparation that goes into the game -- the success -- that is unheard, that is not sexy necessarily, not known, but yet -- it is there, it is done on a daily basis to prep us for the actual show.

there are phone calls, texts, meetings, mailings, headshots, resumes, conversations, there is wonder... meditation, there are classes, meetings, rehearsals, and all for those few minutes of spotlight, of shining light, of work.

and the thing is, when i looked for the quote tonight -- i was looking for a quote on fighting because i am considering fighting for someone. for someone i believe could be great for me, for someone i would love to work with. and i have not done this before, fought for someone, contemplated a phone call to tell them how i feel, i have never done that, i have not wanted to work with someone like this before though, i have not felt this appreciated before -- not in years actually, and so, tonight, i will think on this, actually i will dream and let it go, but i will ask the universe before i sleep about this... sometimes in life, it is indeed a good thing to fight. to stand up for what we believe to be true. to not take no for an answer. to work even harder to make something happen. to push. and to sound our barbaric yawps, and sometimes, it is best to let it all go...

i think tonight i shall see... but lately, i have been thinking -- what do i fight for? how do i fight for something i want? do i really really express what i want openly to the person him or herself? do i go for it? do i take risks? enough? 

and because i have been meditating again -- i have been listening more, and walking with nones has brought more quietude on, and i am listening and we shall see...

but sometimes in life, people are worth a fight, an idea, some preparation going into the relationship, sometimes going out of our way to make something happen, to make it work.

and sometimes, it is best to breathe and walk away with grace...

and the key is listening to ourselves to see what our gut is saying.

and tonight, and every night, i shall do my best to listen... to the god inside of me.

and all of you little blades, you do it too... listen to your gut. and if you feel it is worth it, fight. greatness comes from not giving up -- and sometimes we must fight for what we believe in. we must pick and choose when to fight and when to lay down the sword. in life, we must decide who is worth the fight... and sometimes love deserves a strong fight. and on this note...

i send you all love... always...

Friday, August 13, 2010

A beautiful rejection.

"I tell writers to keep reading, reading, reading. Read widely and deeply. And I tell them not to give up even after getting rejection letters. And only write what you love."

Dear Kieren,

Thank you so much for sending me excerpts from your book proposal.  While I enjoyed reading what you sent, I think this would be better suited for someone who handled more spiritual books as that is such a strong angle of your memoir.  You are a beautiful writer, but in the end, I just did not feel this book was right for me.

I’m sorry to not have a better answer for you, but I wish you the best of luck in finding a home for your book.

All the best,
Miriam Altshuler

... Yes, my little blades, I shall keep writing what I love!

And I am reading more and more again, which feels absolutely divine!!! Shout out to Barnard :)

And please know, I send you all Love... Always...

Indomitable Judy.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." -Mohandas Gandhi 

My little blades, what follows is an email I received from an ex-boyfriend's mom named Judy. She is a lovely woman with whom I have stayed in touch. She has MS, but the truth is... nothing actually "has" her. She is a spirited and ever-grateful woman who "has" the world. Read on and be inspired...

Love... Always...  

Subject: gratitude

Dear Kieren,

Your poetic and beautiful words are very inspirational. You are so wise, deep and a thoughtful person who is very thought provoking. I too, had an experience worth noting. On July 21 I went to Rancho los Amigos Rehabilitation Center in Downey, California. I went there because I had a physical therapy appointment. This year I decided to look at all my resources in regard to my wellness. Therefore, I was not going to be stopped by the distance or the time it took me to get to this location.

While we have all heard of Disneyland, this center is  wheelchair land. There are so many young people in wheelchairs as well people of all ages. This was the second appointment I had with the physical therapist. She reevaluated me and it seemed that she felt that I would not benefit from rehab with her. While the institution is fantastic, I need a physical therapist who is very creative and thinks out of the box. While some people would be depressed or daunted by her comments I was not.

I had a long wait for my next appointment at the center. That appointment had to do with a new way for me to paint, because as you know I am an artist. After my physical therapy I went to a room to get my lunch pass. By happenstance or serendipity, fortuitously I met a man in a wheelchair who was in the room. He heard that I was going to observe the painting class. He showed me his work, which he does on the computer, using Photoshop. He was a graphic artist before he was disabled. He actually paints on his computer with the Photoshop program. In this program, he mixes his colors  and proceeds to paint a picture. He gets his inspirations because he uses a tripod, which he wedges in between his legs,and then he pushes a button on his wheelchair arm in order to take a photograph. Great idea! I can do that! Then he makes a copy of this work and blows it up to any size he desires. If I had come into the room five minutes earlier or five minutes later I would never have met this man. He is actually going to be a part of "My Big Plan." It was a  meant to be moment. I didn't know it and he didn't know it, but we were destined to meet each other.

At three o'clock in the afternoon I went into the art room. The room was filled with many young people, all in wheelchairs. The artist that I was wanting to meet is a man named John, who is a mouth-stick artist. There are only 50 artists in the United States that use this form of painting. He is part of an organization called the Mouth-Stick Artist Association. The artists that are accepted to this organization are given a monthly stipend  and the organization sells their work. They connect these artists to companies who either hire  them or have them give demonstrations to their employees. Last month, John was flown to Atlanta, Georgia to give a demonstration to the employees at Coca-Cola. What is so wonderful for me, is that he is able to paint any size canvas that he chooses. That is good news for me. I don't like to be restricted from anything because I have a disability (multiple sclerosis). I want to paint large paintings. His work is often 5' x 4' or 5' x 5'.   He was teaching the students how to paint. There was one artist who was using the mouth-stick technique. 

John was kind enough to invite me to his home so that I could observe how he works. I'm definitely going to take him up on his generous offer.
When I came home, (after spending 12 hours out of the house) I was filled with emotion and joy!  I was given an opportunity. I was given a gift from the universe, God, the Spirit above, or maybe my mother. Somebody was looking out for me. I was filled with gratitude and I was very humbled by my experience and my day. I know that we all have to to pay attention in life or we can miss the signposts and directions that come our way. I pay attention. I get it!

So my work is cut out for me. With patience (which I certainly have gotten as a result of my multiple sclerosis) I will move forward with my plan or some divine plan, if you will.

When somebody looks at me and see that my legs don't work and that my arms are very tight and constricted, they might not imagine that I am a happy person.  I had a wonderful childhood, I love my friends and family and I too, adored my parents. I'm grateful to be alive. I love people. I love the blue skies, clouds and all the colors in this magnificent world. I pay attention. And I'm happy!  

Love always,