Sunday, February 28, 2010

Now We All Can Leave Comments On My Blog.



"When you play it safe, you're taking the biggest risk of all. Time is the only wealth we're given."
-- Barbara Sher, writer, entrepreneur, and career counselor.


Some of you have expressed to me that you have had a heck of a time leaving a comment on my blog... And I have changed the settings. So -- all you have to do now is click on the comment that is already there "1 comment" and write your comment. Then, first click on "preview" your comment. And then, voila! Click on "Post comment." It's as easy as that.

Please email me and let me know if you are still -- Brittaney! -- having a problem doing this.

Loooove you all.

An excerpt from "Mighty Forces Are Gathering On Your Behalf."


"I often get asked, why do you always write about parents and their children. And my answer is frankly, what else is there?"
-- Anna Quindlen.

My little blades, tonight I am all about my memoir as I am prepping it for submission on Monday, March 1st. And so, I feel like a college kid readying her paper for class on Monday. I have spent most of the day working on it and I will be spending most of tomorrow working on it as well. It's actually a bit of a head turn and twist because sometimes I am not even sure why I have written certain chapters -- except that my fellow at Bread Loaf last summer told me that my memoir has 3 strains:
1. growing up in the 1980's in NJ
2. losing my mom as I was growing up
3. having God, losing God, and then finding God again.

And so, I suppose that while writing these chapters, I instinctively put them in because they fell into these 3 headings, which felt important to me. What I wanted to share. And so, here I am. I will be calling a friend tomorrow -- Brittaney perhaps -- to share what I am submitting with her first. Always safe. And tomorrow will be spent organizing and editing my story. I have been writing this since Barnard, so it is time. It is just of ultimate importance that I organize what I am writing so that the reader has a compass. And knows why I am telling this story. 

And I have learned that I am telling it because it is a story of survival. And it is a story about resilience. That no matter how "bad" things can be, there is always "good." And how I can see this now even if I couldn't see it for awhile. It is what she gave me, my mom, and what I am beginning to give back.

It is growing up with the dichotomy of brilliant popularity and 80's pop culture mixed with losing your mom. It is what makes for a young spirit and an old soul.

Thank you for reading this along with me. Because I have always known that I had to share this story -- but I did not always know why. And now I do. To inspire. To make you believe in magic. Like I now do. Because amidst the sadness -- and often because of it -- there is magic. In life. And it's so beautiful, it could make you cry.
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You’ll be just fine
I had a crush when I was fifteen and he was a floppy-haired stoner named Ted. He drove a classic car of some sort – light yellow. He wore khakis and flip-flops, probably Tevas. He was a lifeguard at the pool near my best friend’s house and his skinny, tanned body was enough to make my want to dive in and struggle like a helpless goat in the shallow end. He had that sort of charm – his kind indifference brought all the girls around. And I was one of them. Except I had something in common with him that all the other minions did not – his mother had died of cancer a few years earlier and mine was slowly dying. Carnation Instant friendship. So somehow he’d become my mentor – I don’t remember how this came about, if my mom asked his father or if my big sister asked him or what. But I do remember that our drive “downtown” to get ice cream at Hillary’s and then bring our cups of oozing homemade ice cream with crunchy toppings into his car for a drive were some of my favorite high school memories. We’d chat about light things and then we’d soar down deep. Usually, we’d talk in his car on drives through newer developments and farmland, but sometimes we’d just talk in my house. I remember one time when we were sitting at the kitchen table. And I guess we were getting pretty deep into things because I started to say what I don’t think I had ever said aloud. Especially to someone not so close to me – even if it were someone I wanted to be so close to me – I started talking about my mom dying. It’s like we were excavating our souls as we sat there at the kitchen table with the plasticy tablecloth. He was talking about his family since his mom died, “My Dad is just not there like he used to be. He’s really into my stepmother. And that’s what happened.” And I sat there wide-eyed as he talked, I couldn’t even fathom that this could be my future – my father without my mom. All the struggling with her illness wasn’t going to end; it was merely the way things were. We’d gotten so used to them – I call this being “comfortably uncomfortable.” We become inured to bad things and feel sort of oddly safe around them, like they comprise our lives and without them, without this built-in discomfort, we could not exist. We’d be lacking texture. No rub, as Shakespeare said. And so as I dug deeper and deeper into the “what if?” of my Mom’s life, and as I did, I grew more confused, more upset. The sick thing is that I think part of me was digging having my stoner hero around for this show – I could be saved by him, he would see my pain and comfort me. We would forever bond this evening and tell our children years later – being that I was only fifteen at the time – this is how it happened for Mommy and Daddy. Mommy was sharing the story of her Mommy dying and Daddy had just shared the story of his Mommy dying and we knew we just couldn’t be apart after that moment. We were sealed – two motherless lovers, two rudderless ships in the night – stopping to weep before one another. But then – something happened. As I was talking about my Mom, I really did start to feel something and my voice did start to crack. I’d gone too far, said too much and I managed to say, “If my Mom died, I don’t know what I’d d-” And before I could finish my sentence, my mother’s pink slippers could be heard sifting across the kitchen floor. “You’ll be,” She stared right into my eyes, “Just fine.” She ended my sentence. And in her pink turban and her pink Gloria van der Bilt robe, she was right. She’d overheard her daughter discuss her mortality and she sifted her way in and righted my wrong. Ted and I sat there, catching ourselves, skipping a breath, while my Mother made her way into the kitchen and slowly out of my life.

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Hope you enjoyed! 

And always feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts. This book means the world to me and your comments as a result do as well. Because this is the first public forum I have ever used to share my story, which I have held SO close to my heart for SO long.

loooooove always...


Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Break-Up.

"I survived because I was tougher than anybody else." 
Bette Davis.





My little blades... Tonight was the night of the break-up. Yep, my longest relationship in Los Angeles was the one I had with my voice-over agency. 9 years -- I was with them when I wasn't even technically living in LA... When I was still studying in NYC.

1. Honesty. Thus is the first time I have been SO honest about something that was upsetting me with an agent -- instead of drowning in a sinking ship full of apologies and soft-thank-you's, I was honest. I told her that I was disappointed with how they handled it. And I am especially disappointed with the head of the department, in fact, she created the VO department at my (former!) agency, who did not even call me -- this is the woman who signed me. I sat down and talked to her this past December about how I was ready for big, big things and how I wanted a push. And what could we do to create GREAT THINGS at the agency for me and for them -- for all of us?! Propserity. Helloooo. And she was like, yes! We need to push you. It is time. And I felt great. Renewed. Inspired. And then, here we are like 2 months later, and she does not even call me. She has another agent call me to break up. And then, when I called and spoke with that other agent tonight to share these thoughts with her -- she basically told me that they -- the 4 agents -- had had a meeting and had decided that there were other people who would be thrilled to take my place. And I was. Guys, I was honest. And strong. And I told her exactly how I felt.

Kind of like in Pretty Woman when she says, You work on commission? Big mistake. Huge.

2. Communication. I think it is so important when something happens to you that upsets you to ask yourself, what is my role in this? How did I create something that hurts? And I think what I have (re) learned is this -- always communicate. I found myself not communicating about an audition for VO. Like, I would actually forget about it. Or I would promise I would do it, and then -- I would not prioritize it and suddenly, I'd find myself thinking, Oh shiiite. I totally forgot. And I am a passionate woman -- I'm sure at this point, my passion is pretty clear to you all. But the thing is -- when I lose my passion for something, I have to listen to my gut -- and also to honor the people who are involved. And communicate with them about what's going on with me -- so that they don't feel frustrated with me, or hurt by my actions. So that they don't feel like their hard work is being disrespected. And so this is the lesson here for me. Always communicate honestly about what is going on with me. And make a plan. Tell them -- I need to take 2 months off. Or I am interested in going out on these auditions and not these, does this work for you? 

I had called today to express these things. And after 9 years with the agency, I feel that calling me and communicating with me what they were feeling -- upset -- before actually breaking up a nine year relationship would have been the kind and respectful thing to do.

I think what they did was not smart. But as one of my fave songs by Gabe Dixon goes, All Will Be Well, You Can Ask Me How But Only Time Will Tell.

3. Gut. I can't say this enough -- even when it's scary sometimes because we have no clue where it will lead us, we HAVE to listen to our gut. To that voice inside of us that says, this is no longer working. I am no longer inspired by this. I am not being a "first-rate version of myself" right now. And I have not been for awhile now. But alas... I was feeling ch- ch- ch- changes... And I needed to express it to my one agent who was frustrated with me -- I could feel it in her emails and phone calls. And so, I was talking to my friend Jeff this morning. And incidentally he is a Voice Over God. He has built his house on his voice -- he works as much as I drink chai tea latte. (And thassa lot!) And alas -- this morning, I was telling him that I wasn't as inspired as I needed to be. That I needed a push, a referral to an animation studio from the agency so I could meet the people who could get me great jobs, that I needed my agent to fight for me to get paid for my cartoon, that I was just not that same kid that I was when I signed with them. But I had been feeling this -- like I am working towards the movie and my books and my memoir and signing with a great manager and hiring a lawyer and finding a boyfriend -- Lord forbid! Hehe -- and that this was falling away from my passion. I simply wasn't feeling it like I used to back in the day -- though admittedly back in the day when I was easily making great $$$ doing it -- that I could feel. And I told the agent J -- I said, it's hard to get excited about this when I haven't been paid for my cartoon in over a year. And when I haven't made money doing this in like 2 years. And I am making $ in other areas. She told me that they had a client who hadn't booked ever in 11 years -- and he still keeps coming to every audition. And I felt like saying, Bless his soul... but has he been checked for mental illness? I mean, all joking aside -- how can an artist take that??? 11 years. Part of me thinks gosh... I admire so admire someone who sticks with it and gives it his all. And the other part of me thinks when it's not working bud, it's not working. And it's important to know when to out down the bow and arrow. And walk away.

And well, my little blades... this chickie has simply picked up her bow and arrow and is moving along the reservation to another tepee.... Hmmm... Not sure if that metaphor worked. Zoiks!

But you all I'm sure know what I mean. It is time to move along -- to ramble on... Lesson learned and I will miss aspects of being with them absolutely. My  beautiful and intelligent agent Luanne and my editor in the booth the lovely Brad -- And I do wish they'd handled it better -- call me in for a meeting, or at least call me to ask what we could do as a team of 9 years to ameliorate this situation because they were upset with me... But alas -- they will deal with the consequences of their actions. And for me -- I need to communicate and be pro-active rather than wait to upset someone.

All in all, quite  day. But -- I AM meeting with the lawyer next week. One of the other ones called me. I am working tomorrow and tomorrow night on organizing my memoir to send out. Bitsie gave me great advice last night, She said, "Go with your gut. (once again!) And so I am discovering a super cool way to prepare it to be sent out. Email or snail mail I am wondering. If it's email -- I am going to have to scan some photos as they are going to accompany my book.

And also -- this is my first interactive blog. But to all of your cyber-friends... Can you give me a homework assignment to prepare me for my movie? Like the one from my last blog -- 25 things about Eliza. I'd LOVE that.

Love to you all... And I am leaving you with a scrumptious quote to send you all to sleep or to wake or to the great in between...

The sun was like a great visiting presence that stimulated and took its due from all animal energy. When it flung wide its cloak and stepped down over the edge of the fields at evening, it left behind it a spent and exhausted world.
Willa Cather (1873-1947)


Friday, February 26, 2010

25 Things about Eliza.



"I often think that a slightly exposed shoulder emerging from a long satin nightgown packs more sex than two naked bodies in bed." Bette Davis.
(hehe.)

Okay, my little blades... this is perfect. While I am writing you -- I am watching "Overboard," which is the movie that Ashton said was most like mine. And so, I am sharing with you all the homework I have been working on to prepare myself for my movie. Thank you to Jon Sheinberg for compelling me to create specific homework for my character, Eliza. And I will continue to create weekly homework for myself to prepare for the fall... Yayayayayayay!!! 

Hope you all enjoy...

25 things about Eliza.

  1. I love a great Italian dinner with my best friends followed by a ton of wine and singing and dancing – like mangi and bevi
  2. I love Princeton where I am from – I love the brick homes and the lake near my house.
  3. I love rollerblading – secretly – it’s kind of goofy. But I love the air of central park breezing past my face.
  4. I also don’t know if I will ever fall in love as a woman. I feel in love as a girl – my senior year in high school. And I haven’t been loved like that again.
  5. I talk to my cat and I love her as I know I will love my children.
  6. I miss my childhood.
  7. I miss my dad.
  8. I miss swinging on the swing in my backyard. I miss singing songs from The Wizard of Oz.
  9. I love meeting strangers – or as someone once said to me, “To you there are no strangers. Only friends you haven’t met.”
  10.  I am a dreamer. I dream SO big, but rarely share them because I don’t want people to think I am conceited or something.
  11. I miss my best friends being there for ME. I miss being number one for them because I used to be their number 1. They would call me before anyone and always take my phone calls first. And I would sleep in the bed with them and their boyfriends would often have to sleep on the couch.
  12. I am scared of having babies. What if I love them so much I disappear.
  13. My favourite color is blue. Deep blue.
  14. I love London because I love the theater and the V and A museum and the accents, the floppy hair of the men.
  15. I heart Scooby doo.
  16. I miss sidling up to my father to watch Scooby doo on my parent’s bed after school at 3pm.
  17. I attended Wesleyan and I love MGMT.
  18. I love turntables and records. I love the crackle of the albums as the needle passes across their ridged surface.
  19. I do believe in prince charming.i mean, ever since I was little – I believed that there was the perfect man out there for me. And everyone says – this is why you are alone, Eliza. You dream too big. Be realistic. And that makes me want to cry.
  20. I love a pot of English breakfast tea with steamed milk.
  21. I love putting on accents. And pretending to be someone else.
  22. I sometimes get a stomachache when I have to deal with confrontation – like with my boss who is known as making everyone cry.
  23. I sometimes wish I could just go home again and not have to deal with the sting of loneliness. Just make it Christmas all year long. Toast and baths and lots of love, warm and surrounded by love that will never leave me.
  24. I am hopeful. Terribly hopeful.
  25. I love hummingbirds. My friends often tell me that I am the human version of the hummingbird. Delicate and beautiful and constantly moving and fluttering, never sticking in one place. Hard to pin down my beauty. Ethereal almost. But oh, to find the one who can give me a leaf where I can sit and be still.

Night, night my little blades... 


Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Car, The Lawyer, The Casting Director, and The Playwright.




 " Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees."
-- Victor Hugo.

Okay, my little blades... so you know how two days ago I wrote that my car was acting weird again. Well, guess what? It broke down ON THE FREEWAY. I thankfully was in close to an exit and I made sure to be in the far right hand lane because I knew my car was off -- and needed to move along slowly...

So, there's that.

1. The Car. I pulled over into the shoulder on the Overland Exit and put my hazards on. And caught my breath and texted my next appointment that I would be late. And drove the surface streets from there on out. I arrived to both appts safely -- and the mother of the boy I tutored at 7pm, she lent me her car. She made a lovely dinner for me -- a penne pasta with fresh veggies and shaved cheese and then tea with cookies and then, she was mid-massage when she heard me leaving and she said she did not feel comfortable enough letting me leave in the dark and the rain in my once-beloved Volkswagen winding my way east on Sunset Boulevard...

And so, with little creases on her face from lying head down on her sheets, as she was mid-massage, she gave me the keys to her Mercedes SUV and I was off into the night... Seat heater ablaze and not feeling a single bump beneath my tires and safe, safe, safe... I take this -- as the universe telling me that THIS IS THE KIND OF CAR I AM MEANT TO DRIVE. Safe and seat heaters and smooth and lovely... NO MORE VW FOR ME. 

D-O-N-E.

On to THE BEST CAR. Away with the breaking down and on to breaking out!!!!!

2. The Lawyer. So, I called 3 lawyers yesterday. One because my lawyer is no longer working at the firm where he repped me. And I need one for my kid's books, my memoir, my movie and alas -- my cartoon that needs to pay me. And so, my lovely former lawyer David Anderson referred me to 3 people. And one called back. Kevin Yorn, who it turns out also grew up in New Jersey. Which was definitely a point of common interest. And it turns out he reps Ellen Degeneres. He said he was going to call me back to set up a meeting. This could be juicy! Honestly guys, it just feels good to be DOING SOMETHING about this situation. I am learning more and more to empower myself and to stand up for what I believe in. For me. For being paid. Money has long been something I felt a little awkward discussing. And now -- I'm like F that. I am talking about it. Communicating. Letting people know the deal. Which is we are artists and we deserve to be paid just like the teacher and the plumber and the CEO and the banker and the landscaper. We all work and deserve our pay.

If I have to be the Norma Rae of Residuals. I shall be. I will stand up on my desk and I shall scream out to the universe -- that just because we are actors does not mean that you can not pay us or that you can pay us when it works for you. That is illegal. Immoral. And Unconscionable.

Sigh.

Wow. It seems I've got the blogger blues... But the truth is, guys, I am not down. And I am not disheartened or weakened or feeling a loss -- quite the contrary -- I am feeling emboldened. I am feeling strong -- and growing stronger. It is, of course, not what happens to us -- but how we respond to what happens to us that defines our character. And this is one girl with a hell of a lot of character!

The truth is -- how are we going to manage a million if we cannot manage a thousand? How do we know we are worth the world -- if we don't even believe we are worth a safe car? How are we going to collect our checks if we don't feel worth the fight? How are we going to find everlasting love if we do not believe that it exists for us? We must believe NOW. For the future to take care of itself. For the LOVE to create success. And it does come from love. All of this. Love is what makes us fight for ourselves -- self-love and love for the others who are involved with us -- in our projects or in our relationships or in our families. Even Gatsby will benefit from my standing up for myself -- because he IS my love and my family. Until we let a great man enter our lives... Gats is it :)

And this lawyer, he said -- I rarely call anyone back. But I called you back. And so he did. And when he was saying he does not know me, so he will have to see if this is a good fit. I said -- trust me, I have A LOT going on. I felt like, duuuuude. I am ready. For you.

3. The Casting Director. I had a meeting today with Sheila Jaffe who casts and has won awards for Entourage. And though I am SO excited to meet with her -- I was quite thrilled when her assistant emailed this morning to reschedule because this is a day -- of all days -- when I could use a day to breathe and to write and to be quiet. To meditate. Plus, I would not be quite a first rate version of myself in a meeting today. Thus -- we are scheduled for next week on Thursday and I will be thrilled to see her then!

I will also have my pictures ready and a flight home for my birthday all booked up and ready to go! Ahhhh.... God is in the timing. (Even my car breaking down near an exit ramp was divine timing...)

4. The playwright. Yesterday, I received the loveliest Facebook email from the singular John Patrick Shanley. He told me that I was "A brave performer." And he told me to let the quiet moments in -- that this is where the soul rests. He, in his own words, said this with -- great respect. Love John. 

I'd emailed him a link to me in one of my favourite plays -- the one act called, I have It. I actually thought of what Madonna had said -- about how most people don't get what they want because they don't ask for it. And so I asked him. And I got what I wanted. I got a glow and a sliver of love and respect from one of our greatest living playwrights. And this -- this -- is what I needed yesterday. It was lotion to a chapped soul...

And thus, my little blades... I shall leave you with these thoughts. That even when your car breaks down and people are over a year late in paying you -- there is still love. There is still kindness. Witness the car I am driving or JPS's glowing words or the lawyer who never calls anyone and called me -- or even the casting assistant who so respectfully rescheduled our meeting.

Ahhhhhh. 

5 Things today:

1. Picked up headshots.
2. Mailing pic/res to manager I have found and I feel like she is the one.
3. Finding opening sentence for memoir. Editing first 25 pages and finding pictures to match.
4. Making appt. with lawyer (?)
5. Emailed THE DIRECTOR for feedback on the links of my work I'd emailed a few weeks ago-- didn't mean to send it quite yet, but I did. Zoiks! Plus, I thought of JPS' words and then... I thought of Madonna!

I think I will take myself for a Thai Massage at Pho Siam today. I deserve it.

Love, love, love is the answer. John Lennon wrote it. Let us live it.

p.s. and yes... as I write, my soul is indeed on its knees.




Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The challenge, The light and The 5 Things.

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice I've been turning over in my 
mind ever since.


(opening line of The Great Gatsby)

My cyber-blades, tonight I am feeling a bit blank... I have been rolling over the opening line of my memoir -- as I have given myself Monday as the day to send it to the publisher. And thus, I am organizing it in my mind... And thinking of the first and last lines of my favourite novels. And The Great Gatsby wins the orize -- certainly for the best last 2 lines in American Literature.

Sigh.

1. Challenge. I am working away in my head -- and tomorrow I must work away on the actual memoir. I shall bring it to a cafe and sit down and write... Tonight, I find myself frustrated -- my car is acting weird again. Honestly, I'd rather eat Pez for a straight year than drive another Volkswagen!!! I am still waiting for my Wolverine and the X-Men checks and they own me a lot of money at this point. I feel like I wanna go all Norma Rae on those cartoon people who refuse to pay us! Honestly... I just want to relax -- but as Robert Frost once I have miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep. And by that, I don't just mean tonight -- I mean figuratively, I have miles to go... 

2. Remember the light that is me. And thus, my fellow blades, I must remind myself of what I am always telling you -- to know that everything is as it is meant to be. To remind myself of my certainty. To be good to myself. To remember Somewhere Over The Rainbow. To ask for what I want. To always be a first rate version of myself. To be gloriously unique. To know in my deepest heart that I deserve to be a star. To speak of ideas and not people. To fully grasp that there is not there there. To embrace that the golden apple is never devoured, its seeds are endless. To invent the future. To know that we must ultimately form our own final character. To do 5 things for our career every day. To remember when I am my most frustrated that there is a world swirling on outside of myself and that embracing this world will only make mine grow larger and more colorful and verdant and prosperous. To be the hero that writes a beautiful tragedy glowing with the ripe promise of tomorrow. In my soul, knowing, knowing, knowing -- empathy is the most revolutionary human emotion. 

... And that even when I am my most flawed and human, I am my most real and vulnerable -- and this is when I have the greatest chance for revealing the light inside of me. When I grumble the loudest. When I "sound my barbaric yelp."

This is precisely when I grow. So, tonight... my blog is short as my thoughts are long and they need a pillow to settles the souls within each of them. And thus, I leave you with this:

3. 5 Things:
1. I emailed a link to me in my favourite play to an extraordinary playwright today. 
2. I am wondering whether or not to follow up with THE DIRECTOR to whom I emailed my work. As I haven't heard back from him yet. Hmmm... He is prepping for a movie. I may, I may not. We shall see :)
3. I placed an order for my theatrical headshot -- will have by Thursday. Excited to show you all!
4. Started letter to manager I am interested in. Found hook to connect us. I shall send it off with my new picture post-Thursday.
5. Cleaned up my pics and edited my res on IMDB.

Moving along... And tomorrow, memoir day!!!

 It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning —

(2nd to last line of The Great Gatsby) 

Love to all of you, near and far...
KvdB.





Monday, February 22, 2010

Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

"Be Less curious about people and more curious about ideas."
-- Marie Curie.


(This was supposed to be published on the great website Brains of Minerva.)Enjoy!!!

I think I have always been different. Honestly. I remember being little and swinging in the backyard, singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow and crying. Literally making myself cry – not by sticking stuff in my eyes -- but rather because I too was dreaming as my hair swept the grass below my swing, my head practically touching the ground, my tanned, skinny legs poked up into the air with my big swinging swoops.

I knew even then, at eight, that my dreams outsized my town. I felt even then the pain of having lost the lion in the movie. A few days before, my mom had told me that the actor who played the lion had died in “real life.” And when I’d listen to her record, I cried for the lion too.

Years later, when I met with William Morris as a student living in New York City, I showed them a page from a journal my mom kept of me. I was saying some pretty deep things then for an eight year old. I photocopied the journal page and passed out five copies to the agents. As I stood up to leave, I took them all in and said, “I’m not saying I was prescient. But I am saying that I knew what acting was at eight.”

And as I write now, I am so much that same young girl who set out with an oversized dream. And after having taken a few years off to travel and write books, I am back in town – this time, Los Angeles, and I am once again passing out journal pages. Except this time, it is a blog. Kvdbisastar.blogspot.com. And I am yet again taking juicy meetings, on the cusp of breaking out and at the same time, holding onto what has always made me different – being such a huge dreamer.And I believe, the ability to see the two glorious sides of life and love them both equally.

My mom died when I was seventeen and this is much of the nucleus of my forthcoming memoir, Mighty Forces Are Gathering On Your Behalf. But also, then as now – I LOVE this life. I love human beings – they fascinate me. I love acting – and the honesty inherent in it that forces us to look at ourselves and question the world around us.

And so, in step with the young girl who attended Barnard College and debuted on Broadway in The Diary of Anne Frank, I have begun to re-create my own success! In fact, I am going to share with you three steps I have taken recently that have begun to explode my career. Not to mention my life.

First, letter writing. I began writing letters this past summer. My goal was clear, simple. It was time. I had been out here for six years working on my craft, building up relationships, a theater and production company and mainly if truth be told, working on myself. I decided it was time to combine my two loves – writing and acting. I was going to write 50 letters to people in the industry with whom I wanted to work. Badly. I wrote people as diverse as Queen Latifah and Christopher Guest. I wrote Steven Speilberg and Garry Marshall. I sat down and really thought about these letters. I googled movies I adore – I thought about what moved me in each one. Was it the star? The direction? The producer who put the whole project together? Then, I researched each person on line. I found a connection with each one of them. For example, Speilberg founded an organization called Shoah, which is a nonprofit organization established to record testimonies in video format of survivors and other witnesses of the Holocaust. I interned for Joel Siegel at Good Morning America as an undergrad and we remained dear friends. Joel was also very active in the Shoah Foundation and this is how I first heard of it. Also, Speilberg had said that if one teacher brought his or her class to seeShindler’s List then it was a success. I told him that my father took three of his classes to see it. They filled the theater.

Secondly, I met with a career counselor, the indomitable Lesly Kahn. And as I sat on her plush couch, sockless as is code, I admitted that other than my childlike excitement at having seen her after almost nine years. I wasn’t really sure why I was there. I told her that my life had become a smattering of beautiful puzzle pieces, but that I wasn’t exactly sure how to put them all together. She asked me what I wanted this year. And I knew itso well that I excitedly exclaimed, “To be a best-selling author. A movie star. And finally,” I inhaled deeply and let out a gasp of joy, “a millionaire.”

She looked me in the eye, smiled and said simply, “Write a blog.” That way, she explained, everyone can see what you are creating. Every day. You can share your experience and invite people into your process. And if an agent or a producer or a manager or a director, heck if my dad wants to see what I am doing, I can simply email them the link. And first I thought – “Oh gosh, maybe this is conceited or something. My life becoming these things. But why would anyone else want to read it/” And then, by doing it every day, I have learned that my goal with it is two fold – I am chronicling my daily process of becoming these three things, but also, I am – it turns out!!! – inspiring other people along the way. And this is the whole point of success anyway. To inspire others – to give back. And the more success I accrue, the more I can give. So, the blog features video of me, pictures of people who are helping me along the way, quotes that are sometimes irreverent, but mainly uplifting. And people are reading it! I feel like Julie and Julia. Plus, and this is key to success – it is forcing me to be consistent in my efforts on a daily basis. And I need this. We all do. It’s like a virtual coach. And I am becoming one hell of a playa!

And thirdly, my movie. Last November, my theater company put up a celebration of one acts and I starred in one called, Happy Birthday/I’m Dead. In December, I bought the rights it into a feature film. The amazing playwright, Bekah Brunstetter, is writing the feature as I type. In fact, she sent me the first 25 pages last weekend, and reading it felt like biting into the most delicious New York cupcake. Mmmmm. I am taking meeting about three times a week with producers, assistant directors, screenwriters, producers, movie stars, and investors. And it is quite exhilarating actually. I find myself asking more questions than talking. I want to hear their stories. How did they become successful. What was their process. Who mentored them. What inspired them to enter into this business. What were their ideas or advice for me and my process of getting this movie made. So far, so inspiring. I feel like an athlete – getting up every day to work out, to stretch, to push myself, to go even when I am “not in the mood.” To make myself uncomfortable – not in a bad way, but rather in a way that helps me to grow. And I am. The meetings, the contacts – they all come from simply vociferating what it is I want. Louise says in Thelma and Louise, “You get what you settle for.”

And I for one am not going to settle. I have come so far. And risked so much. Met so many. And continue. Written so many words. Listened to so many stories. Been championed to keep on the path by some of the greatest – Alec Baldwin who referred me to Lorne Michaels who flew me out to New York a week later to test me for Saturday Night Live.Morgan Freeman who called to leave me a voicemail after having seen a monologue of mine a friend happened to show him. Ashton Kutcher who came to my show and offered to direct a short film version of the one act I starred in.

And most important, I could never let down that little girl on the swing with the outsized dreams. Hollywood may be bigger than my hometown. But no place is big enough for this girl’s dreams...





Somewhere Over The Rainbow.


"Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas."
-- Marie Curie.


(This was supposed to be published on the great website Brains of Minerva.) Enjoy!!!

I think I have always been different. Honestly. I remember being little and swinging in the backyard, singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow and crying. Literally making myself cry – not by sticking stuff in my eyes -- but rather because I too was dreaming as my hair swept the grass below my swing, my head practically touching the ground, my tanned, skinny legs poked up into the air with my big swinging swoops.

I knew even then, at eight, that my dreams outsized my town. I felt even then the pain of having lost the lion in the movie. A few days before, my mom had told me that the actor who played the lion had died in “real life.” And when I’d listen to her record, I cried for the lion too.

Years later, when I met with William Morris as a student living in New York City, I showed them a page from a journal my mom kept of me. I was saying some pretty deep things then for an eight year old. I photocopied the journal page and passed out five copies to the agents. As I stood up to leave, I took them all in and said, “I’m not saying I was prescient. But I am saying that I knew what acting was at eight.”

And as I write now, I am so much that same young girl who set out with an oversized dream. And after having taken a few years off to travel and write books, I am back in town – this time, Los Angeles, and I am once again passing out journal pages. Except this time, it is a blog. Kvdbisastar.blogspot.com. And I am yet again taking juicy meetings, on the cusp of breaking out and at the same time, holding onto what has always made me different – being such a huge dreamer. And I believe, the ability to see the two glorious sides of life and love them both equally.

My mom died when I was seventeen and this is much of the nucleus of my forthcoming memoir, Mighty Forces Are Gathering On Your Behalf. But also, then as now – I LOVE this life. I love human beings – they fascinate me. I love acting – and the honesty inherent in it that forces us to look at ourselves and question the world around us.

And so, in step with the young girl who attended Barnard College and debuted on Broadway in The Diary of Anne Frank, I have begun to re-create my own success! In fact, I am going to share with you three steps I have taken recently that have begun to explode my career. Not to mention my life.

First, letter writing. I began writing letters this past summer. My goal was clear, simple. It was time. I had been out here for six years working on my craft, building up relationships, a theater and production company and mainly if truth be told, working on myself. I decided it was time to combine my two loves – writing and acting. I was going to write 50 letters to people in the industry with whom I wanted to work. Badly. I wrote people as diverse as Queen Latifah and Christopher Guest. I wrote Steven Speilberg and Garry Marshall. I sat down and really thought about these letters. I googled movies I adore – I thought about what moved me in each one. Was it the star? The direction? The producer who put the whole project together? Then, I researched each person on line. I found a connection with each one of them. For example, Speilberg founded an organization called Shoah, which is a nonprofit organization established to record testimonies in video format of survivors and other witnesses of the Holocaust. I interned for Joel Siegel at Good Morning America as an undergrad and we remained dear friends. Joel was also very active in the Shoah Foundation and this is how I first heard of it. Also, Speilberg had said that if one teacher brought his or her class to see Shindler’s List then it was a success. I told him that my father took three of his classes to see it. They filled the theater.

Secondly, I met with a career counselor, the indomitable Lesly Kahn. And as I sat on her plush couch, sockless as is code, I admitted that other than my childlike excitement at having seen her after almost nine years. I wasn’t really sure why I was there. I told her that my life had become a smattering of beautiful puzzle pieces, but that I wasn’t exactly sure how to put them all together. She asked me what I wanted this year. And I knew it so well that I excitedly exclaimed, “To be a best-selling author. A movie star. And finally,” I inhaled deeply and let out a gasp of joy, “a millionaire.”

She looked me in the eye, smiled and said simply, “Write a blog.” That way, she explained, everyone can see what you are creating. Every day. You can share your experience and invite people into your process. And if an agent or a producer or a manager or a director, heck if my dad wants to see what I am doing, I can simply email them the link. And first I thought – “Oh gosh, maybe this is conceited or something. My life becoming these things. But why would anyone else want to read it/” And then, by doing it every day, I have learned that my goal with it is two fold – I am chronicling my daily process of becoming these three things, but also, I am – it turns out!!! – inspiring other people along the way. And this is the whole point of success anyway. To inspire others – to give back. And the more success I accrue, the more I can give. So, the blog features video of me, pictures of people who are helping me along the way, quotes that are sometimes irreverent, but mainly uplifting. And people are reading it! I feel like Julie and Julia. Plus, and this is key to success – it is forcing me to be consistent in my efforts on a daily basis. And I need this. We all do. It’s like a virtual coach. And I am becoming one hell of a playa!

And thirdly, my movie. Last November, my theater company put up a celebration of one acts and I starred in one called, Happy Birthday/I’m Dead. In December, I bought the rights it into a feature film. The amazing playwright, Bekah Brunstetter, is writing the feature as I type. In fact, she sent me the first 25 pages last weekend, and reading it felt like biting into the most delicious New York cupcake. Mmmmm. I am taking meeting about three times a week with producers, assistant directors, screenwriters, producers, movie stars, and investors. And it is quite exhilarating actually. I find myself asking more questions than talking. I want to hear their stories. How did they become successful. What was their process. Who mentored them. What inspired them to enter into this business. What were their ideas or advice for me and my process of getting this movie made. So far, so inspiring. I feel like an athlete – getting up every day to work out, to stretch, to push myself, to go even when I am “not in the mood.” To make myself uncomfortable – not in a bad way, but rather in a way that helps me to grow. And I am. The meetings, the contacts – they all come from simply vociferating what it is I want. Louise says in Thelma and Louise, “You get what you settle for.”

And I for one am not going to settle. I have come so far. And risked so much. Met so many. And continue. Written so many words. Listened to so many stories. Been championed to keep on the path by some of the greatest – Alec Baldwin who referred me to Lorne Michaels who flew me out to New York a week later to test me for Saturday Night Live. Morgan Freeman who called to leave me a voicemail after having seen a monologue of mine a friend happened to show him. Ashton Kutcher who came to my show and offered to direct a short film version of the one act I starred in.

And most important, I could never let down that little girl on the swing with the outsized dreams. Hollywood may be bigger than my hometown. But no place is big enough for this girl’s dreams.








My Last Improv Class.

"Empathy is the most revolutionary emotion."
-- Gloria Steinem.

Hello my cyber-blades... I write to you tonight after a very very very very full day... Wow. My last Improv class was today frankly, it was the best because we got to get up in front of the class and work a lot of improv out.

It was a blast. I LOVED getting up in front of the class and I streeeeeeeeeeeetched my skills, which felt like a little sliver of heaven.

And so, I volunteer in the morning and I am sleeeepy now...

So, tonight will be brief.

I was thinking of what to write about -- I did have my last class, and I did speak with my SNIFF editor, and I did communicate with a fellow Wolverine actor about emailing SAG and standing up for ourselves -- we NEED TO GET PAID.

But... what I take away from this day most of all is this. What Gloria Steinem said. 

1. I, Thou. Through all of this year -- these 365 days of becoming a movie star, a best-selling author, and a millionaire -- empathy is indeed the most revolutionary emotion. Through all of my growing success -- the book deal, the movie meetings, the manager meetings and impending signing, the new pictures, the new, golden relationships with great directors and actors and playwrights and screenwriters -- I am reminding myself to empathize. 

Aristotle said there were two kinds of people:
"I thou." And "I it." 

And "I thou" is seeing me in you and thus coming from love. "I thou" is love. Quite simply. "I it" is fear. You are not me and I am not you and so, I do not care what happens to you. And invariably, I do not care what happens to me.

Empathy is "I thou." Jury duty was and the diversity of my Improv classmates was and even talking to SAG about my Wolverine money due is. Meeting with managers -- connecting with a great manager on a profound level is -- I am you. I get you. We can do this. Listen to me. Look at me. See me in you. Because invariably we are the same.

And it's not a point of needing someone -- rather it is a point of seeing that we are linked and that success comes from seeing ourselves in everyone and this is how we create characters -- witness Meryl Streep who never condescends to her characters. It is the key to great writing -- we write as and with our characters, not in judgement of them.

2. The 4 Agreements. Always I am reminding myself of Aristotle's words and also of Don Miguel Ruiz's brilliance that is The 4 Agreements: "Don't take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to opinions and actions of others, you won't be victim of needless suffering."

Empathy is revolutionary. And recognizing that each of us operates from our own lighthouse in this wilding world and that their perspective has little to do with ours -- saves us A LOT of heart break.

Two lessons for living a happier life.

3. Honesty. Tonight I found myself disappointed by a situation and when I first learned of it, I wrote back my friend and did the old "no worries" sort of fluffball response. But then, when I stopped and breathed, I realized I had more to say.

And it wasn't angry or hurtful or mean. It was honest. And I felt SO much better. And she responded beautifully. And though we haven't done anything yet about the situation -- I already feel better. And I have a great idea of what we can do.

And so, my little blades... I thou, The 4 agreements, and honesty. Give them a try.

The world will be a better place for it. And success will be that much sweeter.

loooooove.... always.