" Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees."
-- Victor Hugo.
Okay, my little blades... so you know how two days ago I wrote that my car was acting weird again. Well, guess what? It broke down ON THE FREEWAY. I thankfully was in close to an exit and I made sure to be in the far right hand lane because I knew my car was off -- and needed to move along slowly...
So, there's that.
1. The Car. I pulled over into the shoulder on the Overland Exit and put my hazards on. And caught my breath and texted my next appointment that I would be late. And drove the surface streets from there on out. I arrived to both appts safely -- and the mother of the boy I tutored at 7pm, she lent me her car. She made a lovely dinner for me -- a penne pasta with fresh veggies and shaved cheese and then tea with cookies and then, she was mid-massage when she heard me leaving and she said she did not feel comfortable enough letting me leave in the dark and the rain in my once-beloved Volkswagen winding my way east on Sunset Boulevard...
And so, with little creases on her face from lying head down on her sheets, as she was mid-massage, she gave me the keys to her Mercedes SUV and I was off into the night... Seat heater ablaze and not feeling a single bump beneath my tires and safe, safe, safe... I take this -- as the universe telling me that THIS IS THE KIND OF CAR I AM MEANT TO DRIVE. Safe and seat heaters and smooth and lovely... NO MORE VW FOR ME.
On to THE BEST CAR. Away with the breaking down and on to breaking out!!!!!
2. The Lawyer. So, I called 3 lawyers yesterday. One because my lawyer is no longer working at the firm where he repped me. And I need one for my kid's books, my memoir, my movie and alas -- my cartoon that needs to pay me. And so, my lovely former lawyer David Anderson referred me to 3 people. And one called back. Kevin Yorn, who it turns out also grew up in New Jersey. Which was definitely a point of common interest. And it turns out he reps Ellen Degeneres. He said he was going to call me back to set up a meeting. This could be juicy! Honestly guys, it just feels good to be DOING SOMETHING about this situation. I am learning more and more to empower myself and to stand up for what I believe in. For me. For being paid. Money has long been something I felt a little awkward discussing. And now -- I'm like F that. I am talking about it. Communicating. Letting people know the deal. Which is we are artists and we deserve to be paid just like the teacher and the plumber and the CEO and the banker and the landscaper. We all work and deserve our pay.
If I have to be the Norma Rae of Residuals. I shall be. I will stand up on my desk and I shall scream out to the universe -- that just because we are actors does not mean that you can not pay us or that you can pay us when it works for you. That is illegal. Immoral. And Unconscionable.
Wow. It seems I've got the blogger blues... But the truth is, guys, I am not down. And I am not disheartened or weakened or feeling a loss -- quite the contrary -- I am feeling emboldened. I am feeling strong -- and growing stronger. It is, of course, not what happens to us -- but how we respond to what happens to us that defines our character. And this is one girl with a hell of a lot of character!
The truth is -- how are we going to manage a million if we cannot manage a thousand? How do we know we are worth the world -- if we don't even believe we are worth a safe car? How are we going to collect our checks if we don't feel worth the fight? How are we going to find everlasting love if we do not believe that it exists for us? We must believe NOW. For the future to take care of itself. For the LOVE to create success. And it does come from love. All of this. Love is what makes us fight for ourselves -- self-love and love for the others who are involved with us -- in our projects or in our relationships or in our families. Even Gatsby will benefit from my standing up for myself -- because he IS my love and my family. Until we let a great man enter our lives... Gats is it :)
And this lawyer, he said -- I rarely call anyone back. But I called you back. And so he did. And when he was saying he does not know me, so he will have to see if this is a good fit. I said -- trust me, I have A LOT going on. I felt like, duuuuude. I am ready. For you.
3. The Casting Director. I had a meeting today with Sheila Jaffe who casts and has won awards for Entourage. And though I am SO excited to meet with her -- I was quite thrilled when her assistant emailed this morning to reschedule because this is a day -- of all days -- when I could use a day to breathe and to write and to be quiet. To meditate. Plus, I would not be quite a first rate version of myself in a meeting today. Thus -- we are scheduled for next week on Thursday and I will be thrilled to see her then!
I will also have my pictures ready and a flight home for my birthday all booked up and ready to go! Ahhhh.... God is in the timing. (Even my car breaking down near an exit ramp was divine timing...)
4. The playwright. Yesterday, I received the loveliest Facebook email from the singular John Patrick Shanley. He told me that I was "A brave performer." And he told me to let the quiet moments in -- that this is where the soul rests. He, in his own words, said this with -- great respect. Love John.
I'd emailed him a link to me in one of my favourite plays -- the one act called, I have It. I actually thought of what Madonna had said -- about how most people don't get what they want because they don't ask for it. And so I asked him. And I got what I wanted. I got a glow and a sliver of love and respect from one of our greatest living playwrights. And this -- this -- is what I needed yesterday. It was lotion to a chapped soul...
And thus, my little blades... I shall leave you with these thoughts. That even when your car breaks down and people are over a year late in paying you -- there is still love. There is still kindness. Witness the car I am driving or JPS's glowing words or the lawyer who never calls anyone and called me -- or even the casting assistant who so respectfully rescheduled our meeting.
5 Things today:
1. Picked up headshots.
2. Mailing pic/res to manager I have found and I feel like she is the one.
3. Finding opening sentence for memoir. Editing first 25 pages and finding pictures to match.
4. Making appt. with lawyer (?)
5. Emailed THE DIRECTOR for feedback on the links of my work I'd emailed a few weeks ago-- didn't mean to send it quite yet, but I did. Zoiks! Plus, I thought of JPS' words and then... I thought of Madonna!
I think I will take myself for a Thai Massage at Pho Siam today. I deserve it.
Love, love, love is the answer. John Lennon wrote it. Let us live it.
p.s. and yes... as I write, my soul is indeed on its knees.