Just Daddy & Me.

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” 

- Jim Valvano

My dear little blades, I could spend this entire page gushing about my father. And how we drove around the Delaware River today and settled upon a cozy little cafe called Meil's. And how we stopped into the Bridgeton Inn and took a tour with the ever-friendly Dianne and the standard poodle, Mira.

Or how stories of my childhood spilled off of our tongues as easily as ice cream slides off of the lips of small children...

Or I could tell you that he was once my own personal John F. Kennedy, Jr.

How when he told stories of America when he arrived here as a slight teenager from Holland, he'd listen to records of American music in his dorm room and learn how to speak. How he loved his Mount Hermon prep school...

Or how he brought me ice cream -- Thomas Sweets blend-in's to Deer Creek -- which we renamed Deer Crack -- when I was lifeguarding long and "muggy" New Jersey summer days.

Or how he was an angel when my mom was dying.

Or how when he played Here, There, and Everywhere on the piano, I sometimes cried a little. Not to mention the fact that I requested it almost every night as I lay in bed above the living room falling asleep to my favorite Beatles song.

Or how our car Climbed Mount Washington when I was little. Our Volkswagen Microbus and I prayed to my black baby in the far back seat, prayed that we make it down the mountain without driving off the cliff. Our brakes failed on the way down. My baby's name was Kerri. After my friend, Kerri Freeman.

Or how when my Volvo broke down on the way with Jeb as we drove down to Virginia Tech to visit my best friend at school, my Dad drove down all the way from our house in NJ and gave us cash to fix it and stay in a hotel overnight. And then drove back home.

How he found love again after your Mom was gone. And their romance inspires you. Has always inspired you. Sometimes in spite of yourself. But, he has proven to you that love is waiting for you. That he found it. And so can you. And you LOVE this. Gift that he has given you, unknowingly. And you looooove this...

Yah, yah, yah. You all get the point.

He's a good egg.

And the thing is, no -- he is not perfect. In fact, wildly imperfect. Just like me. And you.

And we have absolutely had our fights and let downs and times of missing the old days. And wondering how we could ever love again like we did when I was young and lived at home as a school girl.

But then -- something magical happens.

Time sneaks up on you.

And then, you sneak up on time -- and decide for yourself -- this is what is important to me. You are what is important to me.

And you crave your Dad.

And you fly out sooo easily and happily to sit next to him on the front porch, eat, practically drink, your soupy ice cream from your afternoon car ride, and listen to him speak of his mother and how much she meant to him.

And then, you crawl upstairs and sit down at the computer, his golden retriever as your side, Molly. And you write about him. Because -- nothing matters more. Has made this day better. Than your Dad. 

Today was a 10, he said.

And it was. A 10. 

So... thank you Dr. Leo Martin Seymour van den Blink. aka DADDY.

For making my day.

For making me. At least half of me.

You. Make. Me. Happy.

And so... here's to you, Dad. Happy early Father's Day! Here's to all of our Dads, near and far...

And to all of my little blades, near and far... I send you Love... Always.

The great big living room.

“The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

- anonymous.

My little blades... this has been a magical couple of days.

I have loved being away. 

I have loved being home again.

I have loved being with my Dad -- tonight, we walked around the quaint town of Cranbury together... He made me a yummy pasta dinner and we sipped wine and chomped on the fresh Jersey tomato, cucumber and lettuce salad and then, we hopped into the Volvo at his suggestion and we drove a few towns away together for ice cream and a walk around town.

It was sooo green and the lake was sparkling and the little kids were writing on the sidewalk with chalk. There was even a chocolate lab at the ice cream shop.

And these was no traffic.

And our dog Molly was panting at the door and smiling as we left. Already awaiting our return.

I thought of how I once lifeguarded in the area. Of how I was like best friends with my friend MJ who lived in Cranbury.

We lifeguarded together and used to throw the chairs into the pool and play underwater jungle gym.

I lifeguarded for a pool called Deer Creek in Plainsboro and we called it Deer Crack. There were two guys who came every day. Designer jean cut-offs, a big fat comb in the back pocket, long straggly hair and their names: Turtle and Worm.

They rode the fork lift at the local Jamesway.

They played loud classic rock. They were eternally stoned -- it was as if they popped out of the womb with a bong attached to their lips.

I used to swim allll day long. A mile a day every day.

Even today -- if I could, I would spend every day in the water. 

I dated two nationally ranked swimmers. I lifeguarded for 3 years. (Even at a retirement home -- to give you a sense of my commitment to the water :) And alas... I am a Pisces.

So... driving through Cranbury -- remembering the boy I dated with the yellow Camaro. Driving past the Cranbury Inn which his father owns. And now maybe he owns?

Eating ice cream with my Dad.

Being back in the Garden State.

Ahhh.... on my high school campus, with all these friends back from when I was seventeen, sixteen... Memories are flooding back in and sometimes I find myself almost wanting to cry because those days are gone and then, at the same time, I am THRILLED to being this beautiful new stage of my life. Having my own family.

And when I look at these two men I once loved sooo dearly, I smile. Because they were good ones. Still are.

And if they are a coming attraction to the man I will marry, I am in for quite a life.

Last night when Niambi dropped me off after the smokes and the drinks and the sound of the toads on the water behind Peter's house, my friend Dan got out of the car to walk back to campus to get his car and drive to the "Quality Inn." 

And we stood in front of my house and talked for a bit. It felt like -- poof! I am back in high school and my co-peer leader is walking me home from school. It was sticky and summery and like 85 degrees. The front porch light was on and I knew that the back door key was waiting for me, tucked away safely.

And we talked about my visiting him at his shop, and what Todd Wilson said to me senior year. And we hugged.

And then, as I walked into my driveway and up the back porch steps, I smiled...

I felt like -- What a great place I come from. What lovely people I once knew -- and still do. I'm SO lucky that my Dad still lives here. And I get to "come home."

And I vowed right then and there -- somewhere back in the recesses of my heart to never ever settle for anything less than I deserve.

To always remember this golden place from whence I came.

As Niambi turned the car on back at Pete's and I was reaching for the seatbelt strap, I could feel it moving towards me. Dan was helping me out --- without either of us saying a word.

This is what I mean.

About good people.

People who knew you then.

And love you now.

About old loves that never die. You can still see it in their eyes.

About best girlfriends whom you find yourself scratching on the arm as if you were still golden lifeguards sitting in your strappy chairs after a long swim while no one was at the pool and you sipped on ice waters and close your eyes to the sun's bright light.

Mmmmm...

I am loved.

And I loved.

a lot.

And being with these kids -- grown-ups -- again, reminded me of me.

And of them.

And of the endless possibilities of this great wide world.

Like -- why not visit Zi-Yah in her cozy Westchester town for dinner one night?

Why not camp with old friends this summer?

Why not dream that I will meet a man half as lovely as the young man I once loved when I was just a kid.

Anything is possible.

And my reunion reminded me of this, last weekend.

And so... my little blades, I leave you with this --

life is golden when we love. when we remember the people whom we have loved. and have the courage to love them again. even more. for this is the way we will be happiest. because it is they who will lead us to the light within all of us. the light that makes this journey heartbreakingly beautiful. worth every little ache and every little joy.

when we reconnect the links, the people, the past with the present, and suddenly the whole world feels like a great big living room we never ever want to leave.

so... sit back tonight and have a drink, take a sigh, and kick up your feet. no TV or books or even the telephone. Just you and your memories. And think of the ones with whom you'd love to reconnect.

And go ahead and do it. Reach out.

I have never ever regretted reaching out -- only the lack thereof.

And on this note, I shall reach out to each and every one of you and send you...

Love... Always.

My star episode of TYRANNY!!!

And these children.

"And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through"

- David Bowie.

This blog is a shout out to all my high school friends with whom I danced and sweat (Zoiks! New Jersey summers!) and drank and ate and walked and golf-carted and biked and tasted wine and smoked (yes... admittedly a few smokes for old times sake...

Who we were then is still so much of who we are now.

We knew something then.

And so, the charming engineer who sat with me under the tent as all the lights were turning off and I sipped my wine and spoke of love and my college love and high school first love and richie who's been working in Peddie's cafeteria for 43 years and Harry Holcomb our drama teacher who's been teaching at the school for 42 years and Kate Higgins, my advisor, and Greg wanting to attack the ducks, and Paige and Brad and their 4 beautiful children and Zi-yah wanting to return to business and start anew, and Mary Jeanne still the life of the party, Peter offering to walk me home, Nelson the Olympic Gold Medalist, my former headmaster Tom Degray and his wife who gave up their gold cart ride for me, Dave Mayfield and his adorable son, Sebastian, the ever-beautiful Jeff Oram with his lovely wife and 6 kids!!!, the Class of 1960 regaling me with stories of where they were when Kennedy was shot, the swimmers who all donned their speedos again for the alumni swim meet, the faculty kids bobbling their way across campus, Pat Clements leading our 8.5 mile bike tour, the adorable Alex from class of 2005 (should I have pulled you aside?) All of it... AMAZING.

Sticky sweaty dripping drinking smiling drinking sitting standing dripping dancing loving hugging 

REUNION.

To be back in high school again for just 2 days...

And these children... who we were and will always be...

I dedicate this blog to you.

And to my dear little blades near and far from my little town in New Jersey where my reunion took place, I send love... always.

A little slice of heaven.

 

Love's Young Dream.

"No, there's nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream."

-Thomas Moore

Tonight was the first night of my high school reunion at the Peddie School... SO fun and sort of like a dream...

I saw my best friend from prep school and we were almost immediately scratching arms and telling old stories... 

I saw my college love and he still looks like a teenager. I actually felt sad to leave him at the bar tonight when all of my friends at my table left... 

And at the same time, I felt thrilled to be there with everyone. Thrilled to get time out at a bar.

To go to a Jersey Winery -- who knew?

Lovely being with all of my old friends on the old campus and seeing my drama teacher still giving tours.

Tomorrow I go on a bike tour.

And then we all have lunch.

And then dinner tomorrow night and then, out to the bar again.

I am at once so young and so old.

I am a woman and a girl. (cue Brittany Spears song!)

I feel like it was yesterday that I was there and being with my high school friends again... It's like not a moment passed. 

All the old personalities and all the friendships that burst up again.

It's like who we are then sticks with us to a point.

It's like life is high school with older people.

And yet...

We are braver and stronger. And more ourselves than we could have imagined then.

I feel this way.

That I am growing up. And embracing who I am and where I am.

And being back again -- it all feels like this is where it all began.

Tomorrow, I must talk to Dan R. and the headmaster and Beachball and Paul Watkins and Sandy Tattersall and all the other friends I saw today.

And more of my friends whom I left at the bar.

And more of my friends whom I left at the bar.

I repeated this on purpose -- because it actually felt like something more profound than what it just is.

Being home

is

magic.

Walking through my little town again with my high school friends arms wrapped around mine.

I can not wait to do this show in NYC this fall.

And live on the east coast again.

I can feel it now.

Ripeness is all.

I

am

RIPE.

Time's winged chariot is drawing near.

And being home and back with my young love and amidst all my friends from when I was a teenager and on that dewy campus, and walking through my small town... Remembering those feelings young, young love. Nothing indeed can replace that feeling. We must always cherish that feeling... 

So let me remind us all tonight...

that, as Thomas Moore once said, There is nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream.

Let us always cherish that feeling.

And whenever we need to remember what it feels like to be a kid again, just sit back and pull in a breath and maybe even close your eyes and let your mind take you back. To that first love. Only thinking of him, only wanting to be with him, to love him so much that it hurt, to almost want to hurt him a little because it felt sooo good to love.

And remember always that feeling. When we have kids of our own so that we may inspire them to love as we did. As we have learned to. Because that love is what has made us who we are today.

Love's young dream.

I am reliving it, my little blades.

Mmmmm....

Bittersweet love. 

Deliciously rare, deliriously pure.

And on that note, I send all of my little blades near and far, love... always...

My hometown.

"The home should be the treasure chest of living."
Le Corbusier 

My lovely little blades... I am off to the East Coast for theater in East Hampton -- I shall be seeing Alec star in Equus!!!  On Tuesday night.

And my high school reunion -- zoiks! Very excited for this...

Down to DC to see my pregnant best friend and her little family :)

Some quality time with my Daddy and Stepmother Marjorie ...

Sigh.

I am SO excited.

I cried tonight about leaving Gatsby... :( But that's what love does, it makes the best kinf of softies of all of us.

I love him with all my heart and soul.

And I am thrilled to be returning to my prep school campus, which I loved so dearly when I was just a teenager girl...

So, tonight as I pack and play with Nones (Gatsby's inexplicable nickname!), I leave all of my little blades near and far with Simon & Garfunkel's poetic take on home -- Homeward Bound.

Yes, my little blades, I am returning to that treasure chest of living, as the uber-talented Le Corbusier called it... I shall return to Lala with treasures untold...

I am excited to be in our musty, humid attic again, in our same house on our same little street... 

I am excited to see my Dad's doggie, Molly. A golden with a lot of love to give.

I am excited to go to Conte's Pizza in Princeton and have a beer.

I am excited to go to East Hampton to see a play.

I am excited to see both my college and high school boyfriends...

I am excited to hug my Dad.

I am excited to go to the local diner and call the walk there -- walking downtown...

I am excited for Dunkin' Donuts!!!

I. am. excited. to. go. home.

Yayayayayayay.

I send each and every one of you love. And may you all have opportunities this summer to go home -- or to a home you have chosen to unwind and gather yourself up and remember where you come from... Love the little you and the family that brought you here. And the house that you set the dinner table in, the back porch steps that always needed painting...

The fireflies and the humidity. But -- when it comes to small towns in New Jersey, Bruce has always said it best:

The teachers who look oddly as they did back in the day.

The Dad who was your hero. And still kind of is.

Memories of your Mom. Your golden mom. Stirring one of those heavy orangey pans with Indonesian rice dishes simmering inside of them, she's smiling at you and your Dad walks up behind her, puts his arms around her waist, looks at you, 8 year-old you, at he kitchen table and says, Do you know how much I love your mother?

Ahhh... Yes... My dear little blades, I am going home. But I shall bring each one of you with me with my nightly blogs... And now, Simon and G will sing you all to sleep... Let's all dream of where we come from and who we've become. Are we living our childhood dreams? I'm pretty close to it, love is next!

I send Love to you all... Always.

Faulkner's Wisdom.

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself."
-William Faulkner

this is what i am up to at the moment, my dear blades... this is what i am up for. being better than myself.

busy busy little beast that i am.

i shall cease such busy-ness for some time away soon -- but i shall continue to blog! yay!

so... just know:

i have a great director reading my movie.

i am meeting with producers/investors when i return.

i am recording another voice over tomorrow morning!

i am meeting with my super talented star friend in NY and we shall see what magic comes of it...

i am finishing up the cover of SNIFF & getting the book to a children's TV show creator.

and working on signing with an agent and manager!

also -- mailing out my director letters tomorrow.

and... no more tutoring. wow. feels great to say.

movie star and best-selling author -- NOW is the TIME.

i hope this finds all of you inspired... i am SO inspired by my friends who are falling in love and making their dreams come true.

i am SO happy to be creating my dreams. and to be open to meeting my main squeeze... 

i know he is out there. just as i know that i am steadily making all of my dreams come true.

magic.

sending love to you all, near and far.

love... always....