Friday, April 16, 2010

Anais & Me.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
- Anais Nin 

Today I did what my teacher Shalom told me to do -- I focused on my acting career and I asked for help. And Sheila Jaffe -- casting director of Entourage emailed me back and said, "I will think about who you might meet with."

And then, my manager friend of 6 years, Ron West wrote me out of the blue to say hi and to see how I was. But as we all know, coincidences don't exist... So -- I told him I was juuust back from New York and that it was wonderful. And that I was actually looking for a manager if he knew of someone. So -- he told me to write him with my details and I did.

And he wrote back, "Very Impressive!" And when I wrote back excitedly, he wrote back, O.k. Stand by."

I finally heard back from my lawyer friend. He's been busy -- and is still looking out for me for my memoir! That manager I had a great feeling about -- the one Alec called on my behalf -- she wrote that she is too busy -- she did, after all, experience a huge car accident last year that put her in a coma, but in her kind email to me, she wrote, "Alec Baldwin is never wrong."

I also sent some emails to casting directors about projects -- I really, really want to work with Woody Allen and I emailed Billy Hopkins -- a casting director I'd met in New York over a year ago!

In other words, even when I have not been "feeling it," I have listened to my teacher. I have done the work. I have focused on my acting career as he compelled me to -- He said to me, "You have a need to express yourself to the world, to speak out. Writing is not enough for you. You need to act too."

Shalom said to ask for help. And I have -- I've reached out. I actually got a friend confirmation from Facebook by one of LA's best managers -- especially for women -- three days before I had that talk with Shalom. And I'm going to write him to see what he thinks -- his opinion about me and his company.

The thing is, when you are ready for something. Like juicing to do it. And you know that this something is for you. You know with utter certainty that you are meant to do this -- and you release your ego -- you make phone calls and you send out emails and you facebook people because you see what you want, you can taste it, and you talk to God, the universe, the creator -- whatever your words are for it -- and you say, you sound your barbaric yawp, I am ready. Then, the people through whom you move in order to achieve your dream -- they are people, yes -- with their own dreams and hopes and desires, but whether or not they respond to you -- it's not personal. Who is meant to respond to you will. And moving through these people towards your dream, it's like how a leaf moves through the air and it lands in the perfect spot after falling from a tree.

So -- the thing is, I don't take the rejection personally, nor am I getting too hung up on a person -- it's about a dream, about a vision and matching that with someone who sees your vision.

Yes. I get frustrated with time -- I feel like -- would holding Michael Jackson back from dancing and singing help the world in any way? Would keeping Stevie Wonder away from the piano? Keeping Meryl Streep away from auditions or eventually from the stage and then the silver screen?

No. They have only served to make our world more beautiful.

I am ready to do the same.

I have paid my dues. And I am working very hard. Have been, And now -- I deserve it. 

We all do.

Let's tuck away the egos and do the work.

Talk to and, more importantly, listen to our friends when we feel down, but never lose our sight of The Dream.

I was reading today in Newsweek that Oprah had an almost messianic faith in herself. That's what it takes sometimes. So did MJ. So did Bill Gates. So did Dustin Hoffman.

So do I.

And at times, I feel myself falling and then, I remember all the love. All of you. My family. Gatsby. My fans -- those who passionately believe in me. And I feel sooo tight in the bud and I need to stretch, to breathe, to grow, to yawn, to yell, to scream, to stomp, to howl. And. I. do.

Then I pick myself up and I look towards the sun.

And then. And there... I blossom.

I'm whispering to you all tonight to... Grow, grow, my little blades...

Love... Always.

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