Hello my fellow blades... I am alas back in Lost Angeles... And I am waaaaay behind in blogging and this today, I commence to make up for the 6 blogs I am alas behind.
I was thinking about all of you and me and my blog this morning and thinking, how do I want to greet all of you again? After my sojourn in NYC? And as always, the truth is the best medicine.
And the truth is, I am happy to be back with my Gatsby and the weather, as always, is shining and promising, and my friends are as sensitive and loving as always. But -- I must say, I do miss the East Coast.
And I also must say that there are many times out here when I feel like, Wow, this is taking a really really long time.
And I get frustrated. And I get down. And I wonder over it all. I wonder about why I persist. And why I fight. And why I insist. (Unintentional poetry!!!) And what is it inside of me that goads me forward into the fields of great competition and seemingly endless questions like -- When will I "make it?" and Who will it be that discovers me? And what will "it" be that brings me great wealth and happiness? And why is it taking soooo long? Am I supposed to be in New York? Why was is easier there? What is the block -- is there a block? Why do I keep getting close and then, it doesn't happen?
The struggle, it sometimes makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. Like I am failing in some way. Because the struggle has been smearing over quite a few years -- and then, it's like -- whhhhyyy???
And yes... I am blah-ging today. But alas, I am human. And I am going through a day, a few days, really where I am feeling I am outgrowing my state in life.
Like I am already all of these things I dream of -- I'm already in the house and driving the new and safe-er car and and yet, from the outside I am still the same. Like I am the living, human version of Groundhog's Day. Same car and apartment and same struggles and yes -- there are indeed golden sparks of newness -- a more sparkling reality -- my children's book deal, my cartoon, my essay being published in a collection of essays, my web series -- being shopped around as I type -- but on the outside -- well, the truth is -- it has not manifested itself in my life.
Like -- I am ready to step up and away from what has been into what will be and yet, my body is suspended between the two -- somewhat perilously and yet, don't kid yourself -- I am full of certainty that everything is growing more and more amaaaazing. That I am about to sneeze the most extraordinary sneeze and then, everything will collide magnificently. All of my books and my movie and my show and my LOVE -- all will collide and bang -- I will see why there has been struggle and why I have been working towards this for years. I will get it. And exhale. And relax. And drink an iced tea beside my pool with Gatsby frolicking beside me and inside my house will be my husband -- working away on his latest project -- but he'll glance up from his desk, pressed up against the window, and smile at me, his dimples revealing his heart and I'll smile back and wave. And continue to wrestle Gatsby's tugging toy out of my mouth, Gatsby growling happily...
But for now, for today, I sit a bit. Confused. Wondrous. My teacher Shalom has said there is a block. We shall see what that is.
New York was a peak into what could be. And what magically once was. And I have absolutely experienced being close to magic here. But close is not the same thing. Like in the movie I got close to -- the line goes, "Second place is just bullshit."
Wow. Total Blah-ger. Hehe.
Fear not, I absolutely have not lost my sense of geeze, Kieren -- don't take yourself sooo seriously. Lighten up! Love, live, learn. Remember you live near the ocean, remember the waves. Remember the golden dream that beckoned to you out here, rushed up against you and felt sooo seemless...
So, what you may ask am I giving in this blog? Perhaps I am giving of myself, my honesty -- that yes, even I -- we all get bummed and want to give up. We don't see the light. We simply feel the lack. We must pick ourselves up and carry on. We must pick ourselves up and carry on.
And poke holes through the darkness, as Robert Louis Stevenson once said of his childhood days when he'd move his candle, climbing up the ladder in his bedroom when he was young, and when he moved the candle he'd "poke holes through the darkness."
Maybe this is one of those days where poking holes through the darkness is the courage to be honest about the fact that we all feel this way on a certain sunny day.
We all risk and fail. We all win a chance and miss a role.
And I honestly -- for all of you reading this particularly blah-g, want to thank each and every one of you for compelling me to continue to run towards my dreams... I feel you all behind me and I SO appreciate and love you all.
So -- today, I give you this. Me. The sad, little true me today. A day that is sunny and kind, where I feel soooo far from where I want to be. A day where I want to curl up in the lap of time and nap in the arms of my mother. Rock back and forth gently like a little baby in a swinging basinet. Knowing, just knowing that I am doing it all right. That I am not misstepping, that greatness awaits. Security. Love. Work that I love. A home I yearn for.
That these golden things await each and every one of us.
That we are all babies in this thing called life and that we are all crawling towards outstretched arms hugging us up, whispering in our pink ears that we juuuust fine the way we are. That we are perfect. And the day awaits our smile, our light. Where have we been all this time? The world is a better place with us in it.
We complete a missing link in the world. We somehow make it shinier and more loving. And happier.
And then -- we get paid for it. We see the results of our work. And like proud farmers, we smile on our vast and healthy crops. Pulling up towards the sun, green and long and strong, our crops.
And thus... my little blades -- grow, grow, grow...
And know inside of your hearts that even when the world seems to be shutting you down and what you long for seems like it is forever out of your reach, and you crave, crave, crave... Just know that I am out here too. I am loving you all up and believing in you. And in your dreams. And in where you are going. And I feel your missing and longing and yearning -- I have been there too.
As Robert Frost said, "I have been acquainted with the night."
I have too, my little blades. I have been acquainted with the night. And alas -- I love it as much as I do the bright, bright morning.
I send you alllllll love!!!
I wish for all of you your greatest dreams.
That they may come burstingly true. I celebrate each and every one of you.
Here's to a bright, bright tomorrow.