"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
What I've been thinking about, my little blades, is this summer and this fall... What shall I do. Where shall I be. With whom. Where exactly. Doing what exactly. And how exactly will this come about? What will be the conditions, my co-pilots on this new trip. Who will be there.
And I have been wondering about it all. Writing down my dreams today and how I will feel when they happen, I realized that I am utterly clear about what I want. But, alas -- there is still a mystery as to how exactly it will all unfold and with whom -- what team behind me and what man by my side.
But I think that this is part of life. Of the whole mystery in which we exist. Sometimes we don't know and yet somewhere deep within the depths of our souls, we know.
I am finding that more and more lately, I am trusting myself. My instincts. My core beliefs, what I know to be true when I don't actually know how I know it.
I have recently had a friend let me down. I feel I can no longer trust this friend. And yet, I am learning from the experience -- I am constantly thinking of what I have learned and also, what I may have known and also that I must have certainty about my gut feelings and also about my relationships in life. I must trust. With certainty. That the relationships which are meant to stay in my life will. And they will thrive. I honestly believe that the people with whom we are meant to be close will remain close and the ones who are temporary will fall away. Naturally.
There is a seasonal effect to certain relationships and like the leaves that fall from the trees once a year, so do certain relationships.
But the true deep friendships, they remain like a flower that closes its petals for winter and sleeps. But the seed is still there. (I sound like that song, "the rose." Zoiks!) I am friends again with my childhood best friend and it is like coming home. We text every day of our lives -- full of emoticons, it's like we're picking up where we left off.
And sometimes it is hard to trust our paths when we can not see what is ahead.
But, as Camus said, we have inside of us an invincible summer. And I am feeling a strangely strong sense of this. And I am not even sure how I am.
I am feeling a little crazy about it.
Meaning, I am wondering -- what is giving me this sense of huge success, this massive certainty? Perhaps it is the words I have been telling myself all year -- they have sunken in and I believe them. In them. In me.
I do. More and more.
But I am definitely at a cross roads where I am feelings this string strong desire to "jump and the net will appear." As the Japanese saying goes.
To leave what I have known behind. To truly put myself out there.
I am making my mind up tomorrow afternoon. I shall see what signs I get about my decision. I so believe that when we ask for signs we get them, we simply have to pay attention.
Welp, I am.
It is time to play the game full force, to:
1. Edit my screenplay.
2. To book my commercial -- and get over any hang up I have had -- in the past -- about them.
3. To sell my memoir. This has been my dream since Barnard.
4. To star in this show. Two years have been leading up to this moment in time. I must have certainty -- that something magical will indeed happen.
5. To book voice-overs galore in the meantime.
And -- that my magical team is aligning beside me and I am ready to go out and find them. They will make this whole process sooo much easier.
Seek and ye shall find.
My friend Jeff and I will repeat at least twice a week.
My summer feels like an open road and I am ready to walk down something extraordinary.
And you my little blades are welcome to walk along with me.
What is tapping, beating inside of your hearts to be done? To be listened to?
What is grabbing at your souls?
What can you all do to make your lives more extraordinary? In what way can you jump and the net will appear?
I would love to know.
Because this is the most emboldened I have felt in a very very long time -- with no foreseeable reason.
But maybe the "foreseeable" reason is what my soul/heart/gut/instinct is telling me.
Listen to the light inside of me, guiding me. Will not let me down.
When I listen.
And don't let ego get in the way. But rather -- listen to what I know to be true. What I am worth. What I deserve. What I am ready to have. To be. To share.
The time is now.
I feel it.
And I hope you all feel it too.
I shall grab my computer tomorrow for 2 hours to write -- working on my screenplay. And communicating with loved ones, with agents, referrals, asking questions to friends who can help me with my dreams, and helping others with theirs -- like my cousin Jason and my friend Matthew -- I am committed to getting my friends into their theater to fill the seats.
To giving to causes -- like the 5th grader whose bird drawings are raising money for the animals being rescued from the hellacious oil spill.
I am committed to buying a ticket to fly to Europe to visit my sister and her family this summer for a week.
I am committed to my dreams.
I deserve them.
I have worked hard for them.
And I am ready to share them with the world.
And it all starts with having the courage to say it.
And tomorrow, the doing.
Listening to ourselves helps a lot.
Knowing when to say something and when to breathe.
I am meeting with my teacher tomorrow. Excited to hear what he has to say.
Never from ego, always from the light.
Always with love.
And on that note, my little blades, I thank you all for reading my words tonight -- because indeed each one of you who listens make my mighty dreams more real... And always know that listening is reflexive -- when you are reading and supporting me in my dreams, invariably I am doing the same for you.
And on that note, I hope this finds you all dreaming... big, big lofty dreams.
That you have discovered within yourselves an invincible summer. I am tending to mine more and more -- like watering the daisies, sipping that iced tea on the front porch, hiking that mountain, swimming in that pool, reading that book, falling in love with that man, and feeling like a kid all over again -- a kid who flew across the country to this wilding city with a dream, intent on seeing it happen.
Welp, this invincible summer is the time.
This little kid is now a woman who is ready to realize her loftiest, biggest, brightest, most magical dreams.
I shall dream of this for all of us tonight...
I send you all love... Always.