"Growth as an actor and as a human being are synonymous."
- Stella Adler.
Tonight I found myself driving in my beetle over -- back over -- to the east side. I took Gatsby for yet another walk around the Silverlake reservoir. We'd taken a super quick jaunt there this morning. And I just knew that I wanted to to take him back for a real walk.
It was about 8pm when we made it there. And the lights were sparkling onto the water, the homes in the hills were blinking their cozy weekend lights down onto the town and Gatsby and I walked along -- in deep thought. At least I was.
And I was thinking about how I have grown. I was without radio and phone. I was quiet -- except for inside -- inside I was listening to myself. And I wasn't noisy or stressful -- merely listening. To where I have come and to where I have yet to go.
I thought of my book deal and the fact that I even have my memoir out to agents and at least one editor has read an excerpt and found it "beautiful."
I thought of how I am a voice on a cartoon -- something I kind of dreamt of when I was little. I was a huge Scooby Doo fan.
I thought of how close I got to that movie -- playing the 3rd lead!!!I was super supported on my way into that audition -- both leads wanted me, my other friend Randy Spendlove is the Head of Music at Paramount -- and he emailed me and said, "Let me know if I can help you in any way!" Matt Delpiano -- Alec's agent at CAA -- got me the audition -- only after Ashton spoke to Ivan Reitman about me. Told him I was "perfect for the part." Then, he told me -- "This is your character on the bench. You are perfect for this." The feedback from Casting -- Joanna Colbert and Rich Mento -- was fantastic!
I thought about Alec offering to call a manager I expressed interest in. And he did!!!
I thought about all of these things.
I needed to remember where how I have grown. How far I have come. Because sometimes you can feel like you've been in the same place forever.
We all need tangibles, proof that we are growing. Like a thicker wallet. Our names on a billboard. Our book in the store. The ring on our hand. Sleeping for the first night in our house.
We need to feel it.
And so, tonight -- I turned off all the noise. And I quietly reminded myself of how far I have come. I swear, sometimes when I do that -- talk lovingly to myself, parent myself -- I swear it is my mom talking to me, through me. When I am my most loving. My most grounded. My most me. My best me.
I, of course, also thought of where I want to be -- a thicker wallet, the movie booked, the boyfriend walking alongside me -- and of what I miss. Certain friends who've dropped away. My ex-best guy friend. I missed him tonight.
I thought of my dear Jes who's living in Australia and of how I miss her. And of how back in the day, I would've been hanging out with her on a friday night. Fo sho.
I thought of my former producing partner Lu and of how I miss her. And was sending her love.
I thought of my ex-boyfriend who lives above the reservoir and of how he truly introduced me to Silverlake. Of how he swears by the East Side. I thought of his former roommate -- now a successful comedian, constantly traveling, how he's grown since I knew him well. I missed the ex-boyfriend even -- not for wanting him back -- but for the sweetness we once had. Wrapped up in a blanket overlooking the reservoir, sharing a smoke, looking out at the water, quiet music.
And then, I felt kind of happy. I felt grateful. I have loved and been loved by all of these people.
And now I am ready again. My slate is clean. I am ready for a great man. And a great movie. And my great book. Ready to share, share, share.
Honestly, this is -- now -- the first time in years that I am not craving anyone, yearning for anyone, missing what was and wondering if it ever will be again.
I am tabula rasa kierena.
And so... on that note, I drove myself to The Bright Spot in Echo Park -- a mere minutes away from the reservoir. And I sat down at the counter and I took out my journal and sent some messages from my phone -- to two of the loved ones I miss.
And I met a super nice new friend, Peter -- who's in The Navy. And I met Margaret, the 1,000 year old waitress. Also super nice. Her whole family it turns out, she told us, over her hunched back and her kind, kind smile, was in The Navy. A great uncle, I think it was, died on a ship in an attack.
I had an amaaazing veggie BLT. Every single fry I devoured. I slurped down my whole iced tea. I even bought a yummy homemade chocolate chip cookie to go!
And Peter, my new friend, and I walked around town a bit and then I drove him to his car. And when I drove off in mine, I thought -- That was a perfect night.
Not yet do I own my house in Silverlake, not yet have I met my husband, not yet have I booked my movie.
Not just yet. Soooo close. Could be minutes, days, months, weeks, hours... Like a sneeze -- it is coming!!! In fact, I am already here. Inside of me, I am all of these things, have all of these things. It just needs some time to manifest itself on the outside. What is already on the inside.
And alas... I am growing.
Two people whom I emailed with my updates -- two totally unrelated people -- both emailed me, "Keep going!"
Last night at dinner, my friend Casper said to me, "This is your year. And it's starting from the inside." And I leaned my head on her shoulder and looked up and her and smiled.
I knew. She knew. Jade knew too. She sat on the other side of me.
And so, my little blades... Let us all ggggggrrrrrooooowwwww.
I am eternally grateful for all of the artists in my life -- for even all of you who do not fashion yourselves artists, alas -- you too feel life. If you are reading my blog, you have the soul of an artist. Truly.
"Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one."
- Stella Adler.
Thank you acting, thank you writing. Thank you art. Thank you my little blades. You are the canvas on which I am painting my life this year.
Sending sooo much love... always.
p.s. 1. wrote CAA asking for agent referral
2. wrote a.k. for agent referral
3. wrote ab for tea in NYC next week.
4. wrote manager to follow up on meeting her when I am back from NYC.
5. wrote 2 playwrights and Austin Pendleton -- amaaazing actor -- that I wil be in NYC and would love to meet up.
6. Wrote Bekah to see if we can meet up in NYC to further discuss script.
7. Wrote theater producer that I am sending him script to see if he's introduced in producing this play.
8. asked for friend for commercial agent referral.
9. made appt. with my teacher Shalom to discuss career growth and ideas to expand.
10. gave my info to a friend/playwright on his referral to a director friend for a play he's directing in may. he asked my friend who the best actress was and he said me!!!
11. emailed DIRECTOR told him I am off to NYC. Excited to see him in June.
p.p.s. I did ten things because yesterday, I'm not sure I did one! Zoiks!
p.p.p.s. (last one -- promise. this is like the Swingers equivalent of blogging!) I am considering re-writing two letters to directors tomorrow and one to an actor -- they didn't respond last time -- but perhaps they will this time.
good stuff. very good.