"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C.S. Lewis
Wow... what a night. I bought a ticket home, I walked around the reservoir with Gatsby, I made a friend and then, I lost a friend. All in a short span of time -- in less than a few hours...
It's a fascinating thing -- the internet -- because we feel as if we know people, but the truth is that the anonymity can also lead us into false feelings of closeness, some sort of -- I can really be myself because I do not know this person, no veil, this is just me...
But the the thing is, we are flashes of humanity. Little beams of light. Voices longing to be heard in the early morning hours. We all want so badly to feel as if we are not alone.
And when we are little and we go to the same school, we trick or treat with our friends -- or when you get mugged for calling some guy Fat Albert and he mugs you, steals all of your candy and inadvertently rips off the silk sash of your princess dress, -- not that I know anything about this story. But say your neighbor and friend, Richie Shimbano, heard the story -- or rather saw your face as your father took you around for a second round of trick or treating and through smudged make up and dark trails of mascara-ed tears, you sniffled out, tri-tri-trick or treat. And then, you knocked on Richie's family's door and he saw you in this state of affairs, sad affairs really. And especially because now you were a princess who'd been attacked, her kingdom intruded upon, and this -- all of this -- because your parents trusted you and your big sister to trick or treat in your neighborhood alone...
Oh, the trials and tribulations of growing up. In small town New Jersey.
But no... this new generation of "meeting people" can be magical. Utterly magical. I have met so many of you little blades out there through my blog and Tyranny and Facebook, Twitter... And it all feels sort of magical.
New lives from all over the world... Connected suddenly and oftentimes intimately -- as you all know from reading here that my blog is my heart. Another little piece of it, as the song goes...
But tonight was a disconnect. My new "friend" was being cheeky and I was having fun -- albeit some nervous fun -- because after all, I don't know this person at all and I was feeling part school girl and part "this is silly" fun!
And then, poof! No new friend. After I joked with him. And then, he removed himself from my friends list. And I felt so mixed. Badly because he seemed intelligent and fun. And also, because I never ever want to hurt anyone's feelings in this whole world. But also -- if there's one thing I have learned -- not to take it personally. Because after all, we are all of us all the time working on ourselves.
And so, I sort of walked around my apartment talking it out to myself. Gatsby staring up at me at times like, Mama has officially lost it.
And also -- the flip side is that we create everything in our lives. Good and bad -- and bad is invariably good. Even if it feels hellacious going down... And sometimes, the hellacious things are the ones from which we grow the most. And thus, we must learn to embrace them as difficult as that may be.
Tonight felt like I inadvertently hurt a complete stranger's feelings. And then, poof! No more stranger, no more friend.
Bless his soul.
I literally said out loud that if he could hear me that I hope he slept well and that I wish him luck. Never meant to hurt his feelings.
I felt like, am I that out of shape dating-wise that a new friendship bubbles up and pops after a few hours? But alas... I am positive that taking our time in life and being honest is the way to go... As my teacher Shalom said to me last year, When you love again Kieren, love like a woman and not a girl. And take your time.
And thus, I shall.
Sorry, stranger. Friend-for-a-minute. You seemed kind. And then, you poofed out and got mad and left. Odd. But alas, there is a lesson in everything. And I take mine -- breathe and go slowly, and always come from love. Which by the way also means self-love. Always.
Alas... our modern-day romance was not meant to be. A friendship failed, poofed before we ever met. Clive Staples Lewis was clearly speaking of a successful friendship when he spoke of What! You too? I thought I was the only one. (And yes -- that is what C.S. stands for).
Perhaps for a speck of time this did occur. That enviable me too! feeling.
But alas... this is the magic of which I speak. When you meet someone and you just know they are yours.
My best friend Baby in 7th grade -- after we met in nursery school years earlier, unbeknownst to us! Marta from Barnard -- I knew about her! Another best :)
And Gatsby -- I knew about him when I saw his picture on a website for border collie mixes -- I cut out his picture and tapen it into my journal and told people he was my dog before I'd even met him...
And my apartment... I always knew I wanted to live in a castle.
My car -- Trudie has been a mess, but I knew I wanted her -- exactly the way she looked and what she meant because of my Dad's blue VW beetle from the 1960's...
And more recently, my VO agent Erik from WME is RAD. WE had the BEST meeting together!!!
And then, my commercial agent Lisa at ARETE. She is WONDERFUL.
And the two to go -- I am READY and EXCITED for them!!!
I am seeking the greatest talent manager -- like Rocky's coach. And the best team of agents behind me. Preferably at WME, from whence I came :):):) While I was on Broadway...
And -- my love. I believe I will know him. As I have known before.
I signed with Erik and Lisa on the spot. When I was at the first Kabbalah class, I knew.
My frist talent manager and dear friend still Joannie Burstein -- we knew and signed on the spot.
I believe this is how things work.
And let it be said that I am entirely open to other things and ways -- maybe another agency, maybe a guy where I don't know right away...
But... alas, the magic lies in our certainty. Not in how things will unfold. But rather -- in the knowing, the certainty that they will. Perfectly.
Thus... I open my heart and I dream tonight of the greatest team behind me. Believing in me, passionate about me, seeing that I am extraordinary, that I shall break records, break glass ceilings and inspire, inspire, inspire...
One of the greatest.
And seeing my love of my life. Certainty. I thought I was the only one.
Opening and breathing as I type...
And I hope you all are too, my beloved little blades...
And my stranger who poofed tonight -- I am indeed sorry if I hurt you in some way with my kidding.
I wish you well on this journey.
Perhaps we were not meant to be friends, but rather to sharpen one another in our search for the everlasting.
To shine us up and set us on our way -- show us a glimpse of what may be... just not together. Too fast, too little, too gone.
And on this note, my little blades... I leave you all with friendship -- from me. To you.
May you know how much I appreciate your texts and tweets, and emails and facebook messages, and facebooks chats and gchats, and phone calls and every way in which you've all reached out to let me know how much you appreciate my blog.
Please know, each and every one of you, how much I appreciate you. If it weren't for you all I would be writing into an abyss. A dark hole of the unknown. But with you all there to catch my words, I feel -- well, as C.S. put it, not "the only one."
With you all, I am not alone.
And no poofs.
I love that.
And on that note, I wish for all of you every wish you make. Dream grand dreams tonight... And just remember C.S. Lewis took his dreams and created everlasting, utterly unique stories. What do you envisage? What immortal works will you create in this lifetime? Let's devour this world... Poofs or not poofs -- we are artists. Lovers. Made to, born to, run.
I send you Love... Always.